Where Est My Flab?

Where est my flab?
Est it here?
Nay...

Est it there?
Nay...

Where est my flab?
Where est my flab?

I had once, a full flab.
It flabbed here.
It flabbed there.
I called it "Stalin" and he were my only friend.

But now my flab est gone.
Where est it gone?
Est it gone high?
Nay...

Est it gone low?
Nay...

Where est it gone?
My flab was so good to me.
It would read to me,
and we would talk late into the night.
He was so much more than a flab.
Perhaps he est been stolen.
Perhaps he est been hidden from view.

Where est you hidden, flab?
Est you hidden in this box?
Nay...

Est you hidden in this three ring binder?
Nay...

Est a tragic moment in the history of flab.
Est the absence of flab.
Est the tragedy of flab.

Est the flab watching us?
Est you watching, flab?

...

The End.

Limerick to Andy Hunter

There once was a man named A. Hunter
He wanted to be a great hunter
He shot all he could
With a bow made of wood
The only thing that rhymes with "hunter" is "hunter"*.

except "cunter bunter" ed.

Ode To Andy Hunter

O! Andy Hunter!
Have you heard that there are certain philological sects who have in their possession a metaphysical text entitled I've Got The Shits explaining in depth how to birth a dog from a human womb?
O! Wouldn't that be a lovely skill!
And has it not been said that when that which is perfect is come then that which is in part shall bear delicious toffee flavored milk?
O! That lovely, lovely milk.
And would you believe it if I told you that some of those you percieve to be human beings are not human at all, but rather walking, breathing Oragami sculptures of the men they once were?
O! Behold the Oragami!

Andy Hunter, the world we live in is not fit for the meek.
Nor is it fit for the peregrine falcon, an extinct breed of falcon.
We must carve our own way, us (The Unctuous) and yourself (The Andy Hunter)
through the dark perils of Askaban and also the Lord of the Rings.
For these are dangerous times, with dangerous sounding names

And we shall lunch in part, and we shall prophesy in part.
But when that which is Unctuous is come, that that which is Id shall come, and they shall both reign a reign surpassing even the reign of mighty Anapaleptic Urd, The Machiavellian Mitt, or the Valentinian Fat.

O! Andy Hunter. Despair not.
For is it not true that where there are rabbits, there are also worms?
For does not the worm feast on the dead body of the rabbit like a baby on a fresh teat?
I believe yes it does.
And so shall we, Andy Hunter.

And So Shall We.

Great "Your Mother" Jokes

1. Your mother is so fat that she is oppressive.

2. Your mother is so fat that she reminds me of a very old oak tree.

3. Your mother is so fat that she has to shave her face, because she is also hairy.

4. Your mother is so fat that if you were to measure her around the waist, it would take a long time.

5. Your mother is so fat that I should milk her (as cows are also fat)

6. Your mother is so fat that she should be put in the zoo, with the elephants.

7. Your mother is so fat that I could not jump over her if I could jump over a very wide ravine.

8. Your mother is so fat that I could make a home for myself in her fat.

9. Your mother is so fat that she does not need the internet.

10. Your mother is so fat that I want a sandwhich.

11. Your mother is so fat that the publishing industry is experiencing a recession.

12. Your mother is so fat that that there is great injustice in areas where her fat also is.

13. Your mother is so fat that when I pretend I am your mother, I am overcome with a feeling of weight, and fat.

14. Your mother is so fat that I would have sex with that pretty woman who is your mother.

15. Your mother is so fat that she is funny to look at.

16. Your mother is so fat that she does not need to drink water: she is already worldwide!

17. Your mother is so fat that she controls the entire universe, including the laws of math.

18. Your mother is so fat, which is why anna wu plays violin all the time.

19. Your mother is so fat that I am sad.

20. Your mother is so fat that she is the size of a bus.

21. Your mother is so fat that she is divisible by zero (see 17).

22. Your mother is so fat that she won the nobel prize for being fat.

23. Your mother is fat, because she is the earth and we are her children.

and the beat goes on...

Dooby Dubois

He forgot one

77. No Fat Chicks Dubois

Three Important Lessons

Here are some important lessons which I learned.

One: Los Flores Son Bonitas

Two: Los Flores Son Bonitas

Three: Los Flores Son Muy Feos!!!

Look Out!

for thither, I spot a shark.

More Great Drag Queen Names

1. Lyndon Johnson Dubois

2. Hanukah Dubois

3. Mealy-Meal Dubois

4. Rational Mathematics Dubois

5. Anna Wu Dubois

6. The-Twelve-Days-Of-Christmas Dubois

7. Nasty, Animalistic Dubois

8. Star Wars Dubois

9. God Dubois

10. W.E.B. Dubois

11. Marcus Aurelius Dubois

12. Death and Pain Dubois

13. George Foreman Dubois

14. Apartheid Dubois

15. Ninja Dubois

16. Hamlet Dubois

17. Ophelia Dubois

18. Gertrude Dubois

19. Horatio Dubois

20. Laertes Dubois.

21. Claudio Dubois

22. Polonius Dubois

23. Soap-on-a-rope Dubois

24. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Dubois

25. Tammy Faye Dubois

26. Christopher Marlowe Dubois

27. The Canterbury Dubois (Tales)

28. Desmond Tutu Dubois

29. Real Tutu Dubois

30. Motherfucker Dubois

31. Hobo Dubois (7 Fingered Dubois)

32. My Pet Kitten is Dead and Gone Dubois

33. Mohammad Dubois

34. Vas Deferens Duboi

35. I Am The King Of All and my name is Ron Sobel Dubois

36. Noemy Brenes Morua Dubois

37. "Dramatic Irony" Dubois

38. Extremely Witty Dubois

39. Blonde-Haired, Blue-Eyed Dubois

40. Infidel Dubois

41. Hello "Dubois" Kitty!

42. Muff Dubois

43. Pussy Dubois

44. Platero Dubois

45. Realpolitik Dubois

46. The Senior Lounge Dubois

47. Rashi JhunJhunwala Dubois

48. Jinkxs-Monsoon-Dubois Dubois

49. The Jolly Green Giant Dubois

50. Homosexual Dubois

51. Napoleon's March on Moscow Dubois

52. The Great American Novel Dubois

53. The Beatles Dubois

54. My Humps Dubois

55. Whinnie The Poo Dubois

56. Nigger Dubois

57. Lonely and Dejected Dubois

58. Fart Dubois

59. World Peace Dubois

60. I'm Not Gay Dubois

61. No, Really I'm Not Gay Dubois

62. No, You Guys Come On You Guys I'm Not Dubois

63. I Dress Up Like A Girl Because it's Fun-ny Dubois

64. Not Because I Like It Or Anything Dubois

65. Hey Wait, Where are you Going Dubois?

66. Talented Dubois

67. Spirituality Dubois

68. Tennessee Williams Dubois

69. 9/11 Dubois

70. Thinking-Outside-The-Box Dubois

71. Iran Contra Dubois

72. Martin Luther King Dubois Jr.

73. Pine Sol Dubois

74. Airline-Food-What-Is-Up-With-That Dubois

75. Eric Dubois

76. Awesome Dubois

Good Drag Queen Names

1. Sunny Happy

2. Sad Happy Cry

3. Moon Happy Sad

4. Stormy Happy Sad

5. Cry Tear Happy

6. Happy Happy Stormy

7. Happy Moon Dream-Cry

8. Dreamy Sunny Moon

9. Sunny Dreamy Dubois

10. Cry Dreamy Stormy

11. Justin Guarini Dubois

12. Autumn Winter Happy

Sewing: A Beginner's Guide

Step One: Sew your wares.

Step Two: Price your wares fairly.

Step Three: Sell your wares (poss. on EBAY?)

Step Four: Send wares to buyer (poss. to HIGHEST BIDDER?)

Step Five: The buyer is yourself

Step Six: Recieve wares in mail.

Step Seven: Wear/Store your wares.

Step Eight: Store your wares.

have fun!

what am I, a piece of meat?

The Unctuous Id does not need you. The Unctuous Id does not need anybody.

oh where, oh where, has my little dog gone?

It's gone with the birds.

-French Joke

Wow, what a GRRREAT post!!!

Hey everyone!! I hope you enjoyed my last five posts. You, those ones about the secret password to that website where you can get free candy and cake and money??! Yeah, good thing I used my blogging software to set the privacy to "only the pure of heart can read these". Good, huh?! :D :D :D

How to Make Chicken Soup

Chicken Soup, also known as "Jewish Penicillin" due to its significant health benefits. "How do you make chicken soup?", you may ask. Well, it's really very simple. Just mix chicken, chicken stock, and vegetables together, and boil. Finally, don't forget the secret ingredient: Penicillin!!

My Sharona. I mean, My Sickness.

I have just recently managed to pull myself out of the lagoon of death that I have been vacationing in. And let me tell you, it's no Holiday Inn! (Am I right, people, or am I right?!) But here is a little overview of my illness:

1. I have AID. It's like AIDS, but only one of them, so it's not as bad.

2. I have hives, but for the sake of brevity, in this post I will refer to them as HIV. HIV is not bad at all. It's actually sort of pleasant at times. There's no way you will EVER EVER die of HIV, so it's perfectly fine. Also, HIV makes your skin look beautiful and rosy.

Now I have to go back to sleep.

BEST WISHES!
Murgan

hunktd Recommends

our links!

they're great!

Check out these awesome testimonials


"I really love the Flight Log of Eckhart Grint. It's totally awesome, and TOTALLY not by the same people who write the untuous Id."
-Gibald D. Smelt


"The not a lesbian! She's a riot! She really fascinates me. Oh golly I'm rich."
-Athina Onassis.


"I mean, I hate to say it, but the Canterbury Tales were a wad of shite anyway. I wrote them ape drunk, and the reason half the stories aren't there is 'cause I used 'em to wipe my ass. Still, I love arborealcuckoldry.blogspot.com! It's funnier than a dirt enema. (by the way I never really saw the point of dirt enemas. I mean...shit is sort of the same as dirt...and also, airline food. What is up with that?)"
-Geoffrey Chaucer.

Check 'em out!

a helping hand

some people have a hard time spelling our name so to help you, it's:

"T-H-E unctuous I-D dot blog S-P-O-T.C-O-M"

Sincerely, Theo

"You can tell a man is cool from his sunglasses,
But you can tell a man is wise if he wears those really cool sunglasses"
-Ngugi Gershowitz

"Words are like sunbeams. And also, they are like this motherfucking splinter... "
-E.B. White (while picking at a splinter)

"Thank you for not stealing from my store"
-Julie.

The trouble with anal (a poem)

The trouble with Anal
is that he always walks in when I'm having sex.
It's so embarrasing!
My face gets red
I shout "Get out of my room!
Can't you see I'm having sex!"

But good old anal.
It always takes him a second to realize
and by that time it's too late.

Good old Anal.

By the way, Anal is his name,
Not a reference to something lewd.

His name is Anal okay.

Whatever, some people having different names okay?

You can't judge them.

Fuck you, your name sucks too.

The End.

an advertisement

Hi. I'm David Oreck.




As we all know, there is more to Vacuuming than just your carpets, there is also the quandry of blackface.



I want to issue something I'd like to call "the Oreck Challenge."

I, David Oreck, would like to challenge Pat Metheny



to a battle of wits, and also of blackface ability.

Who can sing more like a negro?

Who can tap dance more like a negro?

Who can speak the negro language more like a negro?

That man shall win a free vacuum.



And it will be a good vacuum. Or my name isn't David Oreck.

Quiver in your boots Pat Metheny.

You have my word.

Sincerely, D. O.

Inquiry Conc. "Pedophilia etc." (who what where)

May we venture back.

If you would please, as we will now refer to the following item:

ITEM

And shall wonder...What could it mean? Also who wrote it.

Note that, there stated, in the title, quote" "no one else would publish this piece of brilliance." Now, we must not ignore the fact that the "piece" of "brilliance" WAS in fact published, by none other than that abominable institution Unctuous Id. We must wonder how such an occurence came to be.

We must also question the viability of the statement that this "piece" is, as stated by its author (unknown), in fact as "brilliant" as he/she makes it out to be. I suppose it is up to the reader. I can find no qualms with the piece save that perhaps I object to the author's tone, which aperecates (*appears?) to partake of the pompous.

I am groaning under the weight of a great deal of strain. Why do I find myself to be such an ineloquent shithead? (?)

signed: Golpe The Literate(male)

A brain-related post

This blog is now 5 days old, which in blog years is one billion kajillion amazxiollion ajkdfnkjdagillion thousand ten eon century decades old. So, happy first birthday, Blog!

"this poem really moved me (and I wrote it)" by (?) Grint

ICEd WATER

Chilled...
and running down my...
throat (SELFISH)

like your Penis
(L
O
V
E)

(first comes glove...then comes...CARRIAGE?!?!)

SHATTERED ICE
like my clattered (?) heart

where is the shatter?
I say, in the Start (Heart?)...

of
me. theheartofmetheheartofmeohgod,whoamI (? Grint?)

oh, you are like waiter

GUSH GUSH GUSH GUSH...

chilling like the ISTE...

Who am I so afraid...?

Addendum

I would just like to add that my previous post "UncId Recommends...MIDDLE NAMES" is v. v. funny, because, when I state: "the middle name is like the cheese and/or jelly" of the American sandwich, I am implying that a sandwich could be constructed with cheese and jelly, which would be v. unappetizing and highly improbable. If you would like to find this post, please use one or more of the following:

1. Brain
2. Eyes

Thank you for your consideration!

Yours truly,
Megan

UNcle ID Recommends

Chili. It looks the same going in AND coming out, if you know what I mean!!!! Chili is also the ultimate fat-person food. Whenever I see chili, I think of a fat woman with a Disneyland shirt (or, if you prefer, a Santa Claus shirt) and a faint, sweaty mustache and tevas and a fanny pack eating lots of chili.

On a totally unrelated note, I am eating chili right now.

Because no one else will publish this little piece of brilliance

Pedophilia - it never gets old!

"where is the ill?"

"Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen."

*U. Id would apologize for this bit of business. How did it get by us? By our unrelenting eye? We will and may not ever know. We are also wondering, perhaps, why on the back of the draft copy were found the initials R.S. THe id, believing this to be far more than coincidence, looked into it. Our reasearch revealed the initials R.S. to stand for Ruck Stern, of unknown origin. Who is this man? Where did he come from? What is "sleeeeeen?" (Poss. Spleen? Poss. Clean?). You shall be kept posted.

Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Scene one:

Claudio: Has anyone seen my nail trimmers?

Hamlet: Your what?

Claudio: My nail trimmers.

Hamlet: Oh! Are your nails getting long?

Claudio: Yeah. I mean, not really, but I'd like to keep them at bay. You know?

Hamlet: I do.

Claudio: That's a good feeling. You know? To have an understanding.

Hamlet: God, yeah. (laughs)

Claudio: (laughs)

Scene Two:

Mercutio: I'm making risotto.

Hamlet: I don't like Risotto, but I guess you didn't know that so whatever.

Mercutio: I can't quite...what do you mean you don't like risotto? You don't? What IS that?

Hamlet: It's just something I don't like. It's one of those things. Don't take it personally, that's so inconvenient.

Mercutio: You can't just for one night forget about how much you hate risotto and respect my labor?

Hamlet: I was going to eat it anyway!

Mercutio: Oh...Really?

Hamlet: Yes!

Mercutio: Oh that's great! Oh, god, I'm sorry to cause you any trouble.

Hamlet: It's nothing.

Scene three

Ophelia: I found a turtle.

Hamlet: is it green?

Ophelia: It's brown.

Hamlet: Ah, shit.

Scene four

Claudio: Has any one seen my turtle?

Ophelia: This turtle?

Claudio: Is it brown?

Ophelia: Sort of.

Claudio: Oh yeah that's him. Oh, wonderful

(turtle is transferred)

Ophelia: I'll miss you, turtle.

Hamlet: Oh Ophelia, we must move on.

Ophelia: You're right.

Scene five

Mercutio: Oh sweet innocence. I think I'll start a garden.

Hamlet: Have you got the green thumb?

Mercutio: (laughs) We'll see!

Scene six

Gertrude: Hamlet, can you make me a little something for breakfast.

Hamlet: Do you like eggs?

Gertrude: I love eggs, dear.

Hamlet: I'll cook you up a little smackerel of something then.

Gertrude: Thank you so much.

Hamlet: It's nothing.

Scene seven

(Hamlet on the phone)

Hamlet: Yeah...No...like, black leather, it's got photos in it. Some credit cards. I've been looking all over town...Yes, I realize...OH did you find it? Is the money still in it? It is! Oh. Oh, wonderful. I'll be right over.

(Hamlet hangs up phone)

Scene Eight

Claudio: Hamlet, I never loved your mother.

Hamlet: My who?

The End

Old Timey Person

Weelll, hold on to your cumberbunds, because this a-gonna be one heck of a hullabaloo! Not since I was 5 and a-twen-a-ty years of age have I been so gussied up for such a bricabrac!! 1-2-3 skidoo! 4-5-6 skidoo! Hush my puppies and sasp my rilla!

important notice

attention everyone. I have lost my ipod. it's grey and has it's own brain and responds to the name "sparky."

give me my ipod back, you CUNT.

important notice

The Unctuous Id is truly funny and also light on carbs!

Soon you shall be thin again...

UNQUEID recommends

Eyeballs. Not only do they help you see, but they come in a convenient ball shape! Enjoy!

Quid Pro QUOTE

I don't think I would be a very good bulemic, since when I'd stick my finger down my throat I would get hungry and try to eat my finger.

calculus

there are three important things to remember as a calculus student.

1. x = 3 + x

2. the trains are leaving the station.

3. robots are made of math.

all you must do is remember these three things.

Try it! You will find it is very easy.

For many years I struggled with math, and especially calculus, and I simply could not figure out the answers. Until one day, I was approached by an thin man with giant spectacles. He said his name was Eckhart Grint and that he was a professional pilot. He asked me if he knew where he could take a whiz. I said, I sure ain't no whiz at calculus!

He said, Calculus?

He said, I know of Calculus. I learned it in the field.

I said, the field of what?

He said, the field of professional pilotry. Shut up, for I shall teach you now, child.

In his plane we journeyed to the edges of the world, with good old grint shouting instructions over his left shoulder. I would pace the cabin of his plane, practicing my equations, eating peanuts, and in a state of wonder and reverence at the man and his art.

This is calculus. This is calculus.

Then one day Grint vanished. He left a note on my nightstand, scrawled in his peculiar scrawl. It said

I am very afraid. I must flee. Where is my shoe?<

And underneath that were the three rules of calculus.

I quickly swallowed the paper, to hide the secret.

But the time has come.

The time has come for the world to know.

N.B.

Not Benny

Things that are HARD

1. To pat one's head while rubbing one's head

UTUOID RECOMMENDS ALSO THIS GAME

the most tranquil game, which is akin to basket weaving in its tranquility

UN(p)TID recommends the following game

click for secret game (yes)

you may just win a a free ipod mini...?!

UNCHID RECOMMENDS "The Unctuous Id"

It's this great up-and-coming blog by two really cool writers! Check it out.

i'm writing my ethnography on Saudi Arabia

addendum

The Unctuous Id would like to make it clear that we do not believe milledge to be the spawn of etc., and that we support him and think he is a truly wonderful and kind man.

that is all.

hello... (at the END..!?!)

words selected at random from anthropology lecture by milledge bennet

associated casual acquaintance methodology point a point c the following precedures results of other main points i am milledge son of satan all of those solid sections were you actually interview form the first ages the first contact how did you set it up i am an alien spawn baby how man times did you go you know to this site how many after that what did you do once you i am the breeder of retarded babies the concluding statements tell us what the results mean profound answer the profound answer telling us in brief what your final analysis of the HELLFIRE is coming within my brain tne nuclear bomb goes off (knocks on table) definitive cite source, where to find abstracts a few journals there is a best ones in line online the american anthropology association my abstract black baby is no baby but rather a demon baby you are encouraged to model what is going on there instead of trying to be unique find all this is unique and I did this blah blah blah in terms of the issue I once knew I had a baby named itter bitter and he was my only friend. hello my name is milledge. goodbye.

"How to play the guitar in five easy steps"

Some people think it is difficult to play the guitar. But in fact, it is quite easy. Simply do as follows:

step 1. Cry
step 2. Eat
step 3. Shit
step 4. Sleep
step 5. Learn!

There you have it.

UNTiD Recommends

Down Vests.

It's cold out there!

a note to patrons of the unctuous id

hello patrons.

We would like you (formal/plural) to know something.

We are a welcoming community.

We welcome your contribution.

On the mother fucking open thread.

Thank you so much, dolly.

that is all.

a lesson

there comes a time, in every man's life, when he must come to terms with three simple facts.

1. that his penis is not as big as that of his friend, Dennis.
2. that his penis is bigger than that of his pet, Snoopy.
3. that his penis is a tool to be used in reproduction and that the semen juice contains the seed of all life.

thenceforth we shall call you THE UNCTUOUS ID.

that is all.

Shout Out

I would like to give a shout out to myself. Hey, self! This one's for you!

open thread: what does this mean to you?

UNCHID recommends "the worlds top five greatest plastics!!!"

1. Round Plastic
2. Blue Plastic
3. Bent plastic
4. Rubber Plastic (!!!)
5. Smooth Plastic

phrases which could possibly be mistaken for The Unctuous Id

1. Uncle The Kid
2. Trucker-less Fist
3. Fortuitous Spud
4. Count Chock-u-lous Trist*
5. The Sumptious Tit*
6. el Chunky "the-Red"
7. el Whitey "The French"
8. the Uta the Hagen
9. the Utterly Fished
10. the Ictuous Trid
11. The Avuncular Kid
12. The Unctuous Kid

*(of a sexual nature)

a new feature

the blog would like you to enjoy a new portion of our blog, in which photos such as the following (a smiling nymph) are posted for your enjoyment:

" :) "

that is all and we wish you good tidings.

UncId Recommends...MIDDLE NAMES

In the great sandwich of names that is America, the middle name is like the cheese and/or jelly that quickly becomes forgotten in the quagmire that is the sandwich of America. Support the troops - USE MORE MIDDLE NAMES!

Examples include:
Robert
Gregory
Greg (short ver. of Gregory)
Geregary (alt. spel. of Greg.)
Gr (srt. ver. o. G.)
Sally
The (As in "Vlad The Impaler")
Susan.

Conflict in the House

Where there is conflict in the house, there is also conflict in the...mouse?

That's right. Mouse. There are mice running rampant in the Durgle Hat Hatter Household. And sources say that it is as a result of the great conflict in the house. Over whether or not little Jr. can use the internet to look at porn...

Fighting fighting fighting.

And yes, their name is Durgle Hat Hatter. That is their Last Name.

with love,

theo

i will tell you about a fucker

his name is blog.

I am killing him softly, but with great abandon.

Beware, blog.

Beware, blog.

a message entitled: HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :D :D :D ;) LOL OMG

quothe:
"I LOVE BRAINS!! YUM YUM YUM ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE PALINDROMES. MY FAVORITE ARE ERA ETIROVAF YM. YAY!!!!!"

editor: very interesting...very interesting, indeed.

orange juice...?

where is it?

IN MY BRAIN?!?!

smell

I smell it...?