Favorite Spanish Language Movies

1. Nueba Yol.

2. Nueba Yol 2.

3. Amores Dogzros.

4. All amount my mabre.

5. Spankin's (un film de almodovar.)

6. Flapjackz.

7. Y to mama tamborine.

8. Aguirre Wrath of God.

9. Conan de los el una barbarienaos.

10. Spankin's 2.

11. Pan's labyrinth (Flapjackz 2: the labyrinth)

12. A hundred years of salt and food.

13. Pasta: The Heart of Italy, by Mr. Spanish.

14. Monkeys Planet de los Monkeys II.

The Digital Generation

Ours is the digital generation. For example, I have an ipod. Did you know that my ipod is also a phone? This is why I call it an iphone: because it combines the best of both words: the ipod and the phone pod.

My phone pod can check mail. It can also check the message mail and the phone mail. It's a mail check device. It helps me a lot with checking mail. That's what a good device can do for you, it can check things. In the digital generation, devices are everywhere you look. A device here, a device there, checking things, making life better. You know what game is the game of the digital generation? Checkers. I mean, Taboo. Which is it? I forget. Let me check my phone pod!

Which leads us to one of phone pods greatest features: remembering things which you forgotted. Like where you put your emails. Oh there they are.

What does my emails say to me on this day? Well, phone pod arranges them in i-phabetical order (meaning i to z and then a to h after that). Here's an email from iMom. "I" Mom, How're you doing? Get it? iPhone automatically puts an i in front of every mail person, to make it more simpler to find them. And to make them feel like they belong in the digital generation.

Lastly, my iphone has the video capabilities. Capabilities of what? you say. And I say: videos. I always loved videos when I was a kid. I loved to take them out of their case and stick them in the vcr. That was before the digital generation, when all devices involved sticking something into something else. But even though that wasin the past, I do remember it fondly. Now the iphone combines the best of both worlds: the past and the ipod! Now I can stick all my old video tapes into my iphone, to watch them wherever I want. And you'd think watching the videos on such a small screen would be a problem. It's not. What's a problem is my small penis.

All in all the phone is a great invention, allowing me to talk to people that I can't even see, or that I can see, but from far away so they look as tiny as a thimble. I think the phone brings us together, as a society, and allows us to talk to each other. In that sense, you could call the phone a "communication device" because it helps you check things that are from other peoples mouth devices all over the world.

One last thing: phonepod helps give you access to the news. and here's the thing about news: it's fresh every day. It's like the gift that keeps on giving. Like the iphone: the other gift that keeps on giving.

Keep up the good work, apple.com. I love the pods and also the friendly pods.

Memories from High School Spanish.

Did you know that spangish isa berry excatting?

First ub awl, derr is dee deeuh de las mortes, where dee dayd all came to party wizz spanish teacher Roberto Vilga.

Seycond, derr be a grated movie cawled "nueba yol" wiss BALBUENA.

Third: Cointe.

Faourt: I labe to lorn vecabulurda!

Fifth: Teysts aburt spanghisgh (vecabularda teysts)

Sixth: Lastly but not leastly: SPANISH.

FIRST TRIP TO THE ZOO

There are many, various things I’ve never done. I’ve never gone to the zoo, I’ve never purchased a souvenir during a trip to the zoo, and I’ve never owned a ticket stub for a ticket to the zoo. That’s why, last week, my friends and I decided to go to the zoo for the first time.

You can’t just dive right into a zoo trip, as you would a 7-year PhD program or a divorce. You have to prepare and start early. The day of the trip, we awoke at the crack of dawn, since our zoo opens at half past dawn. As we piled into the car, my friend Bobby called “Shotgun”, and I called “Uzi”; I always beat Bobby at the game of naming the biggest gun.

The first exhibit we saw at the zoo was the ticket-taker’s cage. I was impressed: she seemed docile and well trained. And if the zoo could tame the fiery and free spirit of a young human woman, I thought, they could tame anything.

To cool off in the middle of the day, we stopped by the underwater animals exhibit. I learned from the information plaque that fish first appeared during the Jurassic Period, in what I assume were Parks. Unfortunately, most of the fish at our zoo were too shy to come onto land, so we couldn’t pet them. I wondered why the word “zoo” is short for “petting zoo”, since I was the only visitor who had pet anything all day.

I even enjoyed the zoo animals that most people find unpleasant. I mean, bats are fascinating. Did you know that bats are color-blind? They’re also picture-blind. I guess you could just say they’re “blind”. The insect exhibit, next door to the bats, was also great. My favorite insect was the fly, since its name is what it does.

Before we knew it, it was time to get in the car and head home. This time, Bobby called “Front Seat”, and I called “Driver’s Seat.” I always beat Bobby at the game of naming the seat on the left side of the car. When I look back on it, my trip to the zoo was fabulous from start to finish. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sights and sounds of the zoo, and to a lesser extent, the smells, tastes, and feels.

COMPUTER FAQS

Q: How can I keep from getting a computer virus?
A: Abstinence is the only 100% effective way of preventing computer viruses. Don’t use your computer.

Q: What information should I put in my electronic address book?
A: 45 Broad Street, Cleveland, OH, 43925.

Q: What’s an emoticon?
A: An emoticon is a typed picture that portrays an emotion, like “:-)” for “happy” and “22” for “twenty-two.”

Q: My computer won’t turn on. What should I do?
A: Try jiggling the handle.

Q: What’s the difference between computers and robots?
A: Computers don’t have names.

Q: What can’t I access the internet?
A: Because you are my middle-aged mother.

Q: What makes a computer better than a typewriter?
A: Computer games are more fun than even the best typewriter games.

FUNERAL

I hope that when I die, I can give a speech at my own funeral.

Thank you all for coming. Believe me, I know that I wasn’t always the perfect person in life. I ate carbs. I made dogs play with cats. In the end, though, I don’t have any regrets, except for the times I made dogs play with cats.

As you know, this was pretty unexpected. I was hoping that my funeral wouldn’t have to happen for another forty years, or forty years and one hour if there was a really good TV show on. However, I should have realized that it was in my genes, since a ton of my family members have died. Death runs in my family.

I just want to let you all know that, even though I’m dead, I’m definitely not gone for good. I wish I could give you a sign that I’m still here. Maybe one of my eyes could be winking from the casket, as if to say, “I am only half dead.” If you ever miss me, you can always reach me by Ouija Board. Leave a message if I don’t answer.

I wasn’t able to write a will before I kicked the bucket, since the first part of me to die was my right hand, but I do have some last wishes. To my little sister, I’d like to leave my collection of irregular coins, like my penny where Abraham Lincoln looks extra sad. To my mother, I’d like to leave my little sister. Take good care of her, mom.

I have to admit, I am a little disappointed with this funeral’s theme. I wish my funeral could have had a cooler theme than “the color black.” Death is just like an opposite-birthday, and I always envisioned for myself an opposite-birthday party. It would be just like a regular birthday party, except everything would be opposite: my guests would wrap presents instead of opening them, they’d drink the cake instead of eating it, and I’d be dead instead of blowing out the candles.

You’re probably wondering where I ended up after death, but I don’t want to give away the twist ending. Don’t worry, though. No matter what, I will always be watching over you, looking down from heaven, up from hell, or sort of northwestern from purgatory. Instead of thinking about death as an ending, let’s think about it as a new travel destination. Which is good, because I was really getting sick of every other travel destination: New Zealand is too new, Old Zealand is too old, and Nicaragua is too alphabetically close to New Zealand.

ACADEMY AWARDS

For a superstar Best Actress Oscar nominee like me, the Academy Awards begin with my complex, pre-Awards beauty routine. I brush my hair but not my teeth, since it’s overkill to brush two parts of your body.

Pulling up to the Red Carpet is an event in and of itself, and I only use the classiest transportation. I’ve got the works: a chauffeur, a stretch limo, all the extra tires needed to sustain the extended length of the limo. I’m so wealthy that I have a spare chauffeur in the trunk in case the first one breaks down. I may be a famous actress, but I’m still a good tipper, so when we arrive I give the chauffeur a few bucks. I also tip the spare chauffeur, by punching air holes in the trunk.

It might come as a surprise, but I detest walking the Red Carpet. It takes way longer than walking other, differently colored carpets. While on the Carpet I avoid the entertainment news shows, because I hate the way the TV camera adds fifteen pounds to me, and also to the person holding the camera. The TV camera weighs fifteen pounds.

The Awards themselves can be pretty boring at the beginning. They’re so outdated that the winners are announced by envelope. Doesn’t the Academy know that Snail Mail is really passé? To keep myself occupied during the boring parts, I daydream about sabotaging my fellow best actress nominees. You can’t win the Best Actress Oscar if you have broken kneecaps.

The best part of the night is when they announce me as Best Actress. First, I ask the person sitting next to me to save my seat. Then I go up to the stage and claim my award. I can’t believe this is happening, so I pinch the presenter. He isn’t dreaming – I really did win! I know I’ll remember this day for the rest of my life. I’m just so proud that I won the beautiful gold Oscar. I would hate it if I had only come in second and won a silver Oscar instead.

SELF-PROTECTION (Finished Version)

We’ve all heard of studio arts, but “martial arts”?! Hardly anyone has heard of those! Here are some tips to protect yourself in the inevitable case that you get attacked:

Tape all your paper money to your chest hair. That way, when thieves steal your money, you’ll let out a loud warning scream. It’s like when thieves try to steal your band-aids.

Kick your assailant in their most vulnerable areas. For male attackers, aim for the solarplexus; for female, aim for the feelings.

Spray your attacker with pepper spray, so that they will taste more spicy and delicious when you eat them later.

Remind yourself everyday that you are a special, beautiful person! You will recover better from a debilitating attack if you love yourself and are in a healthy, stable emotional state.

Kill your attacker.

Take the “Kick Me” sign off your back.

Make your fist into the shape of a bullet, and “shoot” your assailant with your “bullet-hand”.

Stun your aggressor with a stun gun, a passionate and unanticipated marriage proposal, or a Taser.

Cover your “Kick Me” tattoo carefully with makeup.

I HATE CARS

I have nothing but bad memories about cars. When I was a kid, my family would use our car to take road trips to stupid tourist traps like the “Vortex of Mystery” and the “Metropolitan Museum of Art”. During the ride I’d ask my parents, “Are we there yet?”, and they’d say, “No”, which was too much rejection to face at such an early age.

My experiences just got worse after I started driving myself, since I could never remember all the confusing rules of the road. Which side of the road are you supposed to drive on? Sometimes it’s the right side of the road, and sometimes it’s the other right side of the road. Make up your mind, DMV! And because I had to concentrate so hard while driving, I never got to do anything fun before getting behind the wheel, like drink or have Narcolepsy.

Due to my bad experiences, I now try to convince my friends not to buy cars. I especially hate sleazy used car salesmen. They do such disingenuous things, like greet you and try to sell you cars at reduced prices. They’re also liars. I bet they’ve been selling us new cars all along.

Luckily, there are plenty of alternatives to driving for my friends and me. Walking is a great option. After all, God wouldn’t have given us feet if we weren’t meant to walk places! He would have given us wheels, or motors, or hands! And the Surgeon General recommends walking 30 minutes a day, to stay in shape. I trust the Surgeon General, since he had to go to both medical school and war school.

For my friends who care about the environment, I cite the polluting aspects of cars. Take, for instance, Hummers, the biggest gas-guzzlers of all. Hummers emit as much greenhouse gas as a greenhouse itself. For my friends who don’t care about the environment, though, I’m not sure what I can do. They’re usually too busy watering their plants with gasoline and buying two Hummers at once to listen to my facts.

GREAT CHICAGO FIRE

The Great Chicago Fire was almost inevitable.

Chicagoan 1: What a beautiful city we live in. One made entirely out of wood.

Chicagoan 2: And not just any old wood – kindling!

Chicagoan 1: People call Chicago “The Windy City”, but they should call it “The Windy City That’s Completely Made Out of Wood”, since all of our buildings are made out of wood.

Chicagoan 2: I don’t know about you, but my favorite building is the Chicago Art Museum.

Chicagoan 1: Me too! I love how the Art Museum’s door is made out of matches, and the door hinges are made out of that black gritty stuff that you use to light matches against!

Chicagoan 2: I prefer to view the artwork by the beautiful light of a large, open, uncontrolled flame. The colors look the brightest yet most combustible that way.

Chicagoan 1: Here’s a fun fact for you: did you know that Chicago is the third largest metropolitan area in the US, and the first largest metropolitan area in the US made entirely out of very flammable wood?

Chicagoan 2: I didn’t know that. Maybe I should read up on Chicago history at the library.

Chicagoan 1: Oh, you mean the Chicago City Library, which is situated right next to the Chicago City Acetylene Torch Factory?

Chicagoan 2: Yes. Boy, do I love this city.

Chicagoan 1: Nothing bad will ever happen to Chicago. Chicago is like the Titanic, in the sense that neither of them will ever catch on fire.