MORIAH
What’s keeping him there?
GIRL
Ropes.
MORIAH
Oh. (pause) Ropes?
GIRL
And a chair.
MORIAH
a chair for him for him to sit in?
GIRL
that’s right.
MORIAH
there in the closet?
GIRL
he’s tied to it.
MORIAH
Oh. How nice. And that’s why the knife?
GIRL
the what?
MORIAH
to Cut Him Free, yes?
GIRL
To what?
MORIAH
Speaking of, won’t you set it down please. It’s awful big and I don’t know why you’d want to risk anyone getting hurt.
GIRL
Oh, I wouldn’t worry. I wouldn’t worry. I’m good with a knife. (laughs)
MORIAH
You’re dreadful with a knife. I’ve seen you with a knife.
GIRL
What?
MORIAH
You’re dreadful with a knife.
GIRL
Whaddaya mean?
MORIAH
For god sakes how many thanksgiving turkeys have I seen...
GIRL
Oh fuck me thanksgiving. Blow me, thanksgiving, will you just give me a break already.
MORIAH
I’ll give you a break when you set that thing on a table somewhere. Now tell me please what earthly power gave you this idea to stick the poor fucker in a closet? How does that work out?
GIRL
It was just an idea.
MORIAH
Why would you heed such a foolish whim?
GIRL
You can’t tell me what to do.
MORIAH
I know that, I’m asking you for some-thing. For a reason, because frankly, it ain’t obvious-PUT IT DOWN.
GIRL
s’My fucken knife.
MORIAH
fine, but point it in the other direc-tion won’t you?
GIRL
Am too good with a knife.
MORIAH
I can just see those poor, poor birds...
GIRL
You’ll see. You’ll see. Bleah!
MORIAH
So what’s next then? He’s in a closet, and we...what? take revenge? surprise him? is that it?
He’s in the closet?
(pause)
This closet?
(knocks on closet)
GABE (OFFSTAGE)
AAAAAAAH!
MORIAH
Hey buddy!
GABE
AAAAAAAH!
MORIAH
Guess what, buddy. We’re going to Take Revenge.
GABE
AAAAAAAAH!
MORIAH
This isn’t going to work, he likes it too much. plus, I think you gave away the surprise.
(opens door)
Hey buddy, welcome to the-OH WHOA...
GIRL
Yeah, you like it? Yeah, ya like it?
MORIAH
Oh Jesus, Gabe.
GIRL
You fucked it up though, Moriah, cause I was going to wheel him out for you.
MORIAH
Gabe are you dead?
GABE
No. Where are my genitals?
GIRL
I CUTTEM OFF BITCH! I CUTTEM OFF, BITCH!
MORIAH
Gabe, I think Nina may have cut off your genitals, but I’m not sure.
GABE
Yeah, I know.
MORIAH
I’m so sorry.
GABE
As am I.
GIRL
NOW Who’s not good with a knife? Eh? Eh? NOW who’s not good with a knife?
MORIAH
Nina, this does not make you good with a knife. Gabe are you allright? (to girl) What were you THINKING?
GABE
Yes, I’m fine. where are my balls?
GIRL
I THREW YOUR SCROTES AWAY, FUCKER. I FUCKEN THREW ‘EM IN THE TRASH AND NOW YOU’LL NEVER RAPE AGAIN.
MORIAH
Never what?
GIRL
You’ll never touch me or my friends again, FUCKER. You’ll never touch me or my friends again, DOUCHEFUCKER.
MORIAH
Nina, I was not raped, NINA WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AND WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS?
GIRL
Moriah (dramatic pause) you must Go and Get the Meat.
(pause)
MORIAH
I thought I was supposed to bring chips.
GIRL
No, you were supposed to bring meat.
MORIAH
Meat?
GIRL
Yes, meat you were supposed to bring raw meat.
MORIAH
To a surprise party?
GIRL
Can’t you follow directions?
MORIAH
I thought the theme was “Fiesta Fun”
GIRL
I asked you to bring meat, so we could dangle it in his mouth like a dirty cock and SHOW HIM HOW IT FEELS.
MORIAH
I’m sorry, but I brought chips, and he’s your brother for godssakes, and besides I WAS NOT RAPED and you CUT HIS DICK
OFF AND THAT’S IN-SANE!
GIRL
You said he touched you.
MORIAH
He did touch me, he put his hand on the wheel.
GIRL
You said he made you stop the car
MORIAH
Well, I shouldn’t have been driving anyway.
GIRL
He put himself inside you!
MORIAH
I asked him to, you DOLT!
GIRL
You were in NO CONDITION TO CONSENT!
MORIAH
I was not raped, I was not raped, I was Under The Influence, is that why you cut his balls off? Gabe, is that why she cut your balls off?
GABE
I don’t know why she cut my balls off.
GIRL
(to gabe) Plus you raped me as a child.
MORIAH
He what?
GIRL
He raped me as a child! He snuck into my room when I was seven and put him-self inside me!
GABE
You slept in mom’s bed till highschool
GIRL
YOU FOUND A WAY!
GABE
Moriah, I am in a lot of pain: my geni-tals are gone.
GIRL
Your genitals caused pain, Gabe. Your genitals will cause pain no more. Mo-riah, You have to go get meat.
MORIAH
You’re crazy.
GIRL
Baby, I’m sorry I wanted to show you myself. I was going to roll him out for you to show you, but then you--
MORIAH
Is that why you tied him to a wheeled chair?
GIRL
I wanted to make it flashy and excit-ing.
MORIAH
You tied him to a wheeled chair?
GIRL
What? I did it for you, baby. Now we can be together. Now that the raper has had his dirty weapons removed.
MORIAH
You can’t tie someone to a wheeled chair. Gabe, are you alright?
GABE
No.
GIRL
Don’t worry about him baby. Just love me.
MORIAH
What?
(girl tries to kiss Moriah)
MORIAH
What? What? Get away.
GIRL
Come on, let’s make out baby, and then we’ll go get meat.
GABE
I’m a vegetarian
GIRL
Whiney, Whiney, Whiney.
(puts knife to Moriah’s throat)
Now you listen here, Babes. You give me a smoochy goochy or I’m gonna slit your throat.
(they kiss)
Now get down and suck my wang.
MORIAH
Your what?
GIRL
Suck my wang, bitch.
pulls down pants, exposes bloody penis and balls taped to vagina.
MORIAH
Oh good god.
GIRL
Suck my balls, little sister, or I’ll cut your brains right outta your fucken head.
GABE
Suck my what?
GIRL
Suck my balls, little bitch, suck my balls and penis.
GABE
Balls and penis!? You didn’t throw them away!
On Wheeled Chair, he rolls toward Girl, knocking her over. She falls on the knife and stabs herself. Gabe retrieves his balls and penis.
GABE
Oh graces be to God. Can you drive me to the hospital?
MORIAH
I don’t have a car.
GABE
Well, can you call an ambulance?
MORIAH
I don’t have a phone. Plus: we’re on the moon!
GABE
Ah.
(pause)
MORIAH
Would you like a chip?
GABE
Yes please.
(pause)
MORIAH
I’m so sorry about all of this.
(pause)
GABE
Life on the moon, eh?
MORIAH
Yup, life on the moon...
THE END.
