Metric System

I can't use the metric system: I'M A VEGETARIAN!

HEEEEY WHADDAYA MEAN

I wanna piece o chickurn

HEEEEEEY WHADDAYA MEAN?

I wanna piece o delursheeyass chickurn plose

HEEEEEEY WAHDDAYA MEAN? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YE!

I wanna piece o deelayshose chickaaayn to ate all dee day!

HEEEEEEY WHADDAYA MEAN, YA MEAN YA WANNA PIECA BEEEF?

naaaaoooo, naaaaaoooo, CHEEEEkaaaapn Cheeeealllllgurrn!

HEEEEEEY YORE A WIEEEERDOOOOOO

aaaaao gad I wish I wore dead

HEEEEEEY TELL YEW WAAATT: WOOOD YOU LIKE SOME CHICKEN?

YAAY!

WAS THAT A CORNFLAKE...

IN MY BRAIN?

WAS IT A CORNFRLAKE...

WHICH BETRAYED MY TRUST AND LEFT ME LONESOME O THIS LIVID NIGHT?

WAS IT A CORNFLAKE...

THAT IS FUCK?

WAS IT A CORNFLAKE....

THAT WOULDN'T SAY YES, EVEN TO MY SEALANT LIPS?

WAS IT A CORNFLAKE...

THAT DREAMT OF UNREQUITED GLOVE AND SMELT OF WOOD?

WAS IT A CORNFLAKE...

OH I LOVED IT WHILE I COULD, AND THEN

IT LEFT.

COMPUTERS

Everyone loves to type "gr8". Am I right, ladies? But how come no one ever uses "8" for serious things, like ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE GR8 EMPANCIP8R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poop

Some people like to poop. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? More like what's down with that, more like what's BROWN with that. Fecal matter is no laughing matter, though they share half of their words (meaning that both have "laughing" in the phrase). Instead, it's a CRAPPING MATTER.

Sometimes I eat poop and then it comes out as a hamburger. But really I wanted a cheese burger. FUCK YOU, ANUS.

I just made a rhyme!

I guess I'm a poet and I never knew it.

check this out!

Check out this AWESOME NEW WEB-BROWSER. EVERYBODY says it's better than the other ones. It's so fast and cool. CHECK IT OUT NOW. !)))

The Unctuous Id RECOMMENDS...

Being awesome! Why wouldn't you want to be awesome?

what I'm sayin is...

I am bored. What should I do. I'll go the the store. So I go to the store, right, and I run into Fuck Gerbil and his squad of goons. And I wah like bitch, I'm going to get some food because I'm bored. And he wah like "WHAT YOU SAY?" and I wah like what I'm sayin is that I'm hungry because I'm BORED, okay?

And so Gerbil is like get on my body and I said wtf dude you're like a dude in a gerbil suit and why don't you dress normal and he wah like becuub I'm the FUCK GUBBIL and I wah like you talk like those funny kids with the big foreheads and little necks and he wah like GAAAAAH and then he dumped himself in his suit and his whole squad had to gettum out and change his diaper. what a pussy ass bitch.

so I'm still bored woh woh ya know so whattdo I do? I go to the Maaw to get some sticky rice and i wah at the maaw and i run into Blick Fritzy and his squad of goons and I'm like fuuuup I'm HUUUNGRY and he wah like AAAAAH SHIT ON THE TABLE and I wah like GROSS cause all his shit wah like on the table and I wah like man I was eating on that table before you shat on it and he wah like "WHAT YOU SAY" and I wah like what i'm sayin is that i was eating asshole get off the table and wipe your butticks.

So Fritzy is like GADDAMMIT you dissruspect me and i wah like SHADDUP AN LISTEN and then he goes AAAAHM GONNA BREAK YA FUKKEN NICK! and then he slipped on the poop on the floor and broke his own fukken nick serves him right motha FUCKA.

so I'm still bored so I stole mutha fuckin Billy's car but I get in the car and who's in it but billy and his squad of goons. and I was like WHAT IN THA FUCKADUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING and Billy was like, what I'm juss POOPIN IN HIS MOUTH and I was WHAT THE HYELL and he wah like WHAT YOU SAY and I wah like what i'm SAYIN is it ain NATOORAL for a DUDE to POOP in anotherdudes MOUTH. and he was like, Ima fukken poop in your mouth!! and then i crashed the car.

fuck you billy, man, i'm still bored

METRIC SYSTEM

Here in America, we like our pie apple, our States United, and our measuring system non-Metric. Our measurement defines our nation; without the American measuring system, America is little more than the most powerful country in the world. Here’s what would happen if our country switched to the Metric System:


MARATHON
Me: Look, you guys – I just ran a marathon!
Popular kid: In the metric system, “marathon” means “millimeter”, which is a really small, stupid amount.
Me: But it took me six hours.
Popular kid: Dude, I bet your total embarrassment density right now is 70 kilograms per cubic meter.
Me: It might be.
Popular kid: I guess I’m still a little impressed though, since you don’t have any legs.


WEATHER
Me: Let’s see what’s on the weather channel today.
TV Weatherman: Today’s temperature will be quite chilly. We’re looking at four degrees Celsius.
Me: Four degrees – I better bundle up. (Puts on coat) I wonder why I feel mildly overdressed.
TV Weatherman: In the metric system, “four degrees” means “39 degrees Fahrenheit”.
Me: I wonder why it’s snowing.
TV Weatherman: In the metric system, “temperature” means “how likely it is that it will snow.”


COOKING CLASS
Cooking instructor: Now, just add one cubic centimeter of cream to the cake batter…
Me: I know this one – “Centimeter” is “one hundredth of a meter”. (Adds the cream)
Cooking instructor: You Americans. “Centimeter” means “one ninety-ninth of a meter”.
Me: This cake has way too much cream in it now.
Cooking instructor: And aren’t you allergic to cream?
Me: There are 14 pounds in a meter.

CHESS

I’m a chess scholar, and I love my job. Sure, every little kid goes through that “chess historian” phase. Most of those children grow up into jaded adults, working as astronauts or firemen or ballerinas, their dreams of chess scholarship lost forever. I, on the other hand, am living that dream.

Chess has a long and illustrious history. Few people know, for instance, that “chess” comes from the Indian word “chaturanga”, which, loosely translated, means “chess.” Chess has been around so long that it has inspired many variations. There's “defense chess,” “suicide chess,” and “Chess 2: Back in Action.”

There’s no one way to play chess, but you should know some basics. There are just a few vital facts to remember: protect the king, checkmate, castling, and queen on her color. It helps if you make it into a mnemonic device. Before every game, just think “PTKCCQOHC.”

People wonder what the best chess piece is. My favorite piece is the queen, because it has the advanced capability of producing short-term, aggressive attacks. My other favorite piece is the horsey, because it’s a cute little horsey. People also wonder how to remember all the chess strategies. Even I have to admit that complex chess strategies are hard to keep straight. “The Rauzer Formation”, “The Sicilian Defense”, “The Latvian Gambit”: what next, “The Squiggle”? I, for one, invent my own chess strategies that actually make sense. I have one that I use a lot: “The Squiggle.”

My Favorite Vegetable

Do you know what's the best vegetable? A carrot. Because of the way it purses its lips and winks at you.

My Spring Break: A College Essay

My Spring break of this year was wild in that it was not wild at all! I stayed at home, mostly. While some might say staying at home is a waste of spring break, I disagree. In fact, I got a lot done. And I got to spend a lot of time with my mother. My mother always says that teenagers these days are big time-wasters. She wants me to be a doctor, and that's why I'm applying to your college. I love my mother, and my father. Both have been very encouraging in wanting me to be a doctor. And so am I. And so, I hope, are you. Well anyways, back to my spring break. I play the harp. Playing the harp is my passion, and it is also something that I do so my mother will feed me. I played a lot of harp over spring break, that's for sure! I think that I would make a good match for your school for many reasons. One reason is that I am a hard worker. That is why all of my best friends are my brother and sister, because they bring me food in my harp closet! Don't get me wrong, I love my harp closet. It keeps me from getting distracted by colors and sounds. I value discipline. Another reason I should go to your school is that my grandparents came to this country all the way from China, and as my grandfather always said, "You should get into a very good college, or I will be ashamed of you."

Alot of kids these days like Rock and Roll music. In my family, however, we are only allowed to listen to classical music. This means that my brain is more developed, because classical music develops the brain and encourages moral behavior. That is another reason I should go to your college. I don't have very many friends, but the people who talk to me at school tell me that my parents are too strict. I tell them to stop interrupting my learning. I think my parents are just the right amount of strict. I mean, it isn't always easy, but without them, where would I be today? Probably spending my Spring Break on a beach somewhere and wasting their hard earned money.

If you do admit me into your college, it will be because of the hard work my parents put into raising me right. And because I play the harp and am good at calculus and because I cry when my father looks at me. As my father always says (in Chinese) "revulsion at the sight of weakness is a sign of strength." I am also bilingual.

I hope that I can come to your college and learn about medicine and how to be a doctor. A doctor is a respectable profession. I am unlike many other applicants to your school in that, instead of spending my spring break being drunk and irresponsible, I think that a doctor is a respectable profession. Thank you, and I am good at math.

The Great Zen Epic of Nurkayakayazi and his Many-Colored Oxen

Nurkayakayazi sat in a room with no oxen and then left and came back without leaving and at no point did he ever have any oxen.

I HATE MEDICINE

I don’t care what anyone else thinks: I hate medicine. It tastes bad, has terrible side effects, and is completely unnecessary. It doesn’t even work. My friend took Tylenol for two whole days and it still didn’t cure his Type II Diabetes.

Who needs medicine when you’ve got healthy foods? Take broccoli for instance. The upside is that broccoli has just as much illness-fighting power as a vaccine. The downside is that broccoli is a lot harder to fit into a syringe and inject into your arm.

Chocolate has also been proven to help fight disease. It seems counterintuitive, I know. I would call scientists crazy but I don’t know how I could say it so all of them would hear me. Now, scientists are even saying that vanilla is good for you. I remember this one time, someone asked me which I liked better, chocolate or vanilla. Man, that’s like making me choose between one child and my other, less delicious child.

There are certain vitamins, too, that work just as well as any medication. Vitamin C is so great that the “C” probably stands for “cure diseases.” Vitamin B12 also works well at fighting illness. Vitamin B is so great that “B12” probably stands for “beats 12 diseases.” Or “5-deoxyadenosylcobalamin.”

And what about placebos? The Sugar Pill works just as well as any newfangled medicine. I took placebos the last time I was sick, and I was completely cured of my sugar deficiency.