unfortunately for you (a poem)

unfortunately for you
MY POOP IS YELLOW AND BLUE

Unfortunately for me
my POOP IS MADE OF PEE!

This is a joke.

It's one of this blog's author's birthday today!!

That author?

Me.

things that I hope are not said in my eulogy

"Hey, who farted?"

THINGS I HOPE ARE NEVER SAID AT MY EULOGY.

“They say you should face your fears. Unfortunately, Brian’s fears were cobras.”

“Brian had a Heart of Gold. Which is probably why he had a stroke. Gold can’t pump blood.”

“‘Ebola.’ It just rolls off your tongue. ‘Ebola.’”

“He could have at least hung a ‘No Murderers Allowed’ sign on the door. What if they just didn’t know?”

“Is ‘chainsaw’ a verb? Can somebody be ‘chainsawed’?” Like, does the sentence ‘Brian was brutally chainsawed to death’ make grammatical sense?”

“Brian thought only pirates could die of scurvy. Brian was wrong. Dead wrong.”

“I’ve heard of people dying because they had too few kidneys, but too many kidneys?!”

“Brian put the ‘laughter’ in ‘voluntary manslaughter.’”

“Everyone makes mistakes. Brian’s biggest mistake? Getting cancer.”

“’Botulism’ sure sounds funny when you say it a lot! Botulism, Botulism, Botulism, Botulism, Botulism, Botulism, Botulism, Botulism.”

“At least he died doing what he loved: bleeding to death.”

what I love about the internet

I love it that I get my very own tube. My very own tube.

Actually

Sliced bread, the greatest thing since regular bread!!!

A eulogy.

At least he died doing what he loved: bleeding to death.

my body

my body
my body
my body
my body
my body
my body
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

takin' a dump.

WHAT YOUR DREAMS SAY ABOUT YOU

Oh man, your dreams say all sorts of shit about you when you're not there. Like, yesterday, your dreams were like, hey did you hear about stupidhead, he's really stupid, and then the other day they were saying how you are totally stupid.

Part two of the Ring Cycle by Richard Wagner

FRICHENBLOCH

Last Night, in the mountain castle
I met a well muscled man with bulging loins
He spoke to me his loving name
But I was super drunk and forgot it.

How awkward is that?!

Enter STRAPPERMENSCH

Oh no, it is he!
(I forgot to bathe in the gurgling Rhine!
I bet I smell like shit!
Oh by all the Gods of Gorsch,
Why am I cursed always to be awkward?)

STRAPPERMENSCH

Dear FrichenBloch, Fair Maiden, Hello!

FRICHENBLOCH

Hello, dear fellow!

STRAPPERMENSCH

I have great news!

FRICHENBLOCH

Oh What, What?
STRAPPERMENSCH

Today, on the hills of Burgerburg I fought the awkward-beast of Hibbelak and triumphed. His blood ranneth over the hills in a gurgling stream. Now, at last, our village on the hilltop is finally free of the plague of awkwardness! We may live in peace once more by the gurling rhine!!

FRICHENBLOCH
OH JOY!

STRAPPERMENSCH

Oh, but Frichenbloch…

FRICHENBLOCH
Yes?

STRAPPERMENSCH

Although I have triumphed today, I feel that I have yet to triumph over…

FRICHENBLOCH
Yes?

STRAPPERMENSCH

YOUR HEART

FRICHENBLOCH
OH RAPTURE! RAPTURE!

STRAPPERMENSCH

My Dear Frichenbloch, will you join me forever in rapturous love here on this jolly mountain?

FRICHENBLOCH
OH GOLLY, YES!

STRAPPERMENSCH

Never will there have existed a love like ours, dear lady. My loins gurgle with oils of affection! Let us be married right away!

FRICHENBLOCH
Oh My love! I’m tingly from head to toe! Let us to do as you say. Forthwith! Forthwith

STRAPPERMENSCH

Although I have triumphed over man and beast, I have never felt more good than I do right now.
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh my fellow…

STRAPPERMENSCH

You wait here, my dear wench, and I shall run fetch the priest. How lovely to be married on this, the day when awkwardness was vanquished once and for all!

Exit Strappermensch
FRICHENBLOCH
Ach! My love and I are to be Married this very night, and yet I still do not know his nombre! But now that we have become so intimate, I feel it is too late to ask! It’s like that episode of seinfeld.

OH GAD, HOW AWKWARD IS THAT!

BLAST YOU GODS! BLAST YOU CURSÉD MEAD!

Enter person

Ah! Mayhap he shall help me.

Excuse me, can you tell me the name of the great hero to whom I will be married tonight? And by the way I hate gay people!
PERSON 1
I am gay!

FRICHENBLOCH
Oh God how awkward!!

Enter another person

Excuse me, can you tell me the name of the great hero to whom I will be married tonight? And by the way, I hate jewish people!

PERSON 2
I am jewish!

FRICHENBLOCH

Oh Gaad! Why am I so awkward!!

Enter Siegfried

Excuse me, can you tell me the name of the great hero to whom I will be married tonight? And by the way…Oh wait! (slyly) never mind…

SIEGFRIED

Why darling, that man is Me!

FRICHENBLOCH

Oh no! Siegfried! My Fiance!

SIEGFRIED

Do you mean to say you have forgotten my name? Ha Ha Ha, what playfulness! Come here, wenchy.

FRICHENBLOCH

(aside) Oh God how should I break it to him? Oh no, this is so awkward! I am a big dork!

SIEFRIED

Come here, my lovely wench…

Enter STRAPPERMENSCH

STRAPPERMENSCH

WHAT!? A MAN WITH HIS HANDS UPON MY FRICHENBLOCH! SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES, SCOUNDREL!

Kills him

Oh Ho! Now you see that I am a man of great power and strength!

FRICHENBLOCH

(Thank god! That would have been so awkward!)

My Love!

FRICHENBLOCH

My Loving fellow, you have returned!

STRAPPERMENSCH

And I brought a priest to have us married! COME, PRIESTY!

FRICHENBLOCH

Oh joy! (aside) oh no!

Enter priest

PRIEST

Dearly beloved. You are about to enter into a sacred covenent. As is custom in hills of this area, you must make your vows to your beloved on this most holiest and least awkward of days. Are you willing?

STRAPPERMENSCH

Yes!

FRICHENBLOCH

Oh, I do want it so very much!

PRIEST

Then state the name of your beloved and begin!

STRAPPERMENSCH

Oh fair Frichenbloch, the daintiest and most un-lumpy maiden in all of Wafflegrunt, your fair hands are suited to grip my man’s body, and your breasts are full and gurgling with milk, and even though you have not bathed and smell like poop, you still look super hot, and I will love you for all time!

PRIEST

Amen. And now, fair Frichenbloch, speak your fair husband’s name and a vow of love!

FRICHENBLOCH

Oh!

(pause)

Um…

PRIEST

Come now, don’t be awkward!

Priest and Strappermensch Laugh

FRICHENBLOCH

Oh, fellow…fellow of mine….

PRIEST

Come now, you must say his name.

FRICHENBLOCH

Um…My love….

(Pause)

(Pause)

…Jason?

Oh Nein.

FRICHENBLOCH

What?

STRAPPERMENSCH

OH NEIN!!!

FRICHENBLOCH

Is that not your name?

PRIEST

You have spaken the name of another man at your husband’s wedding.

STRAPPERMENSCH

OH NEIN NEIN NEIN!

PRIEST
You have broken the vow of non-awkwardness!

FRICHENBLOCH

Motherfucker!

STRAPPERMENSCH

Oh Nein! Oh maiden, why hast thou forsaken my sense of dignity by loving another? You don’t love me! You think I’m ugly! HOW AWKWARD IS THAT!!

Strappermensch begins to realize something…

But that means…That means the plague has returned, and my battle with the beast was for naught! OUR PEOPLE ARE ONCE AGAIN PLAGUED WITH THE DREADED CURSE! I HAVE FAILED! I MUST DIE

Kills himself

FRICHENBLOCH

Oh no! He is dead! I am such a dork! (to priest)
What do I do?

PRIEST

Kill yourself too, it’s only fair.

FRICHENBLOCH

But I don’t wanna.

PRIEST

(shakes his head) tsk tsk tsk…

FRICHENBLOCH

Well, if you think it will help.

Kills herself.

PRIEST

Ah ha ha ha ha ha! (pulls off face) It was me all along, THE AWKWARD-BEAST of HILLELAK AND I WAS WEARING A DISGUISE AH HA HA HA! I win the game I win the game!

Scurries off, evilly.

Waff

I don't see what the big deal is with waffles. Waffles are just like like bagels with divets.

critique

I may not know art, but I know what I like. OH WAIT actually, I have an art history degree from HARVARD UNIVERSITY, so I guess I do know art and I DON'T LIKE THIS PAINTING!!!

from a gay-themed stand up routine

It wasn't easy telling my parents I was gay: my mother's dead and my father is deaf!!

garsh

Person 1: Garsh, me testes hurt.

Person 2: Whyzzat?

Person 1: Because they're always testin' ma brain!

ode to bird

I know you think you're cool, bird, I know that
but you're not cool, or not nearly cool enough
to walk around like you do all like I'm cool,
bird. No.

No, you're not cool at all and you're barely cool, and
you're cool if cool means lame, then you're cool.

But where I come from cool means cool
so where I come from you're not cool,
You're lame.

You think you're cool, bird, but you're just a bird.
What good is a bird? A bird is barely good.
A bird is good for flying and feeding.
A bird is good for eating, and if its a good bird, it's good
for feasting, but you're not that kind of bird, are you, bird?
You're not a juicy meat bird, bird.
You're just a bird and I'm sick of your shit.

Jokes

Q. How does Helen Keller pet a horsey?

A. With her hand, like a normal person! She's not petting impaired, dummy!

Q. How does Helen Keller eat a pretzel!

A. With her mouth, like a normal person! She's not pretzel impaired, dummy!

Q. How does Helen Keller go pee pee?

A. Standing up, like a normal person! She's not standing impaired, dummY!

Re: What Trail Mix Doesn't Do

"Well I guess you can't have your trail mix and eat it too!"

lolz!

what trail mix doesn't do

Last Forever. :(

upon waking

david mamet made a movie in vermont
and that same day I drove a van up the sand
to tell my mom "i cried in feldenkrais."

It was her birthday, and without a present to give
I took a truffle saved from my own birthday
and squashed its parts between my chubby fingers
until new shapes and textures took form, and of course
the white chocolate melted,
and in fact all of it melted so I took it
and spread it all onto a piece of bread with some peanut butter
and raisins and called it a birthday sandwich.

A valuable birthday sandwich with succulent caramel
and so only my mother could eat it not my brother
whose birthday is not till august even though
he was very hungry.

the trick of driving a van up the sand is all in the legs
without legs you tip but also keep an eye out for
the ledge which is one bitch of a ledge
Since I could only circle the hill, when I missed the
ramp ledge I had to circle the hill again to get it
and finally I got up and of course by then the hill
no longer mattered and all I had was sand on my
mother's sandwich.

"have you told your mother that you like dancing?"
asked my therapist and I said, oh no no no, she won't mind
and my mom said "no no no, yes I don't mind"
and my therapist said "Oh, goodness gracious" and blushed
like she was sunburnt and I said, mom I cried in feldenkrais
and she said what's feldenkrais, and I said well it's not exactly
exercise, it uses small movements, and there was barbara
forbes saying "yes yes yes yes yes yes yes all small movements"
and I said, I noticed that I got more pissed on my tummy
than on my back, see: awareness eh?
"through movement" says barbara forbes, and everyone
doted on my awareness saying golly, how aware is this kid, eh?

the sandwich became deformed before anyone could eat it
and by the time I realized I was awake it was 1:30

what I said to people

What I said to the sad baby to make him feel better:
"You don't look a day over thirty!"

What I said to the person who just turned thiry today:
"You don't look a day over thirty!"

What I said to the sad doggy:
"You don't look a day over four!"
(courtesy of megan)

Bee Motel (for Emma Zip Furman)

Well, we all have seen and know
those of us who have seen bees
bees are all small.

Well, where the bees live in bee town
beetown at the motel in bee town, the bee motel
where showers, being made for bees
are small in other words, not big,

Well, we are here in bee-town, here we are
showering, showering in bee-town,
where the bees are,
and I wash my body in sections
shaped each like a bee's small body:
being suited for the body of a bee
the shower is small.

And why do I shower only in sections?
because my body is more large.

A discussion topic.

The Civil War was neither civil nor a war. Discuss.

NO ONE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS OPPOSITE DAY

Me: Hello, Doctor. What are my test results?

Doctor: Things are not looking bad. You’re extremely not unhealthy!

Me: Great!

Doctor: Your blood pressure is also not at a lethal level.

Me: That’s a very roundabout way of telling me I’m in good health, but, still, I’m very happy!

Doctor: And you know that mole? It was definitely not not benign.

Me: Spectacular!

A poop play

Abe: When is my goddam Pizza going to arrive?

Carmen: At Four o'clock in the affernooN!

Abe: But what i axed you was when my Pizza was--would you like to know what kind of pizza I ordered?

Carmen: Maybe. What kind of Pizza did you order, Abe?

Abe: I ordered Beer Pizza!

Carmen:What's that?

Abe: It's a type of Pizza made of Beer.

Carmen: Yeah? Isn't that a little wet and sloppy?

Abe: Only when it melts in the day light.

Carmen: Does everything we do have to have great meaning?

Abe: Yesh.

a short piece of dramatic literature

Gorb: Ouch! I hurt my elbow riding a horse.

Furg: Be more careful, fool! you will always be doing your riding without elbow power pretty soon!

Gorb: I know but I love it so.

Furg: Are we characters from the Opera "Die Barrelschtrüp" by Richard Wagner?

Gorb: Yes.

Furg: Why, we're onstage right at this moment!

Gorb: Oh nope! What'll we do now?

Furg: We'll push forward Gerb. As we do always.

Gorb: Let's do the opera!

Furg: We must!

Gorb and Furg: Let's do it!

SCENE 1

Gorb and Furg are riding a lamb with a barrel full of clambs

Furg: I've been looking for the barrel-strap for so long!

Gorb: Where will be the barrel-strap with which we will strap the barrel?

Furg: Together with you, my faithful Gurt!

Gorb: Oh Fert! You are my only friend.

DIE SUNGAN DIE FRÜNDERSHCRHAP

Gorb: Oh Furg
Oh Furg
Meine Mensche die Frapp!
You sching like an burdie
and burd like a Strap
And you are not awkward at aaaaaall

Furg: Here on our tigerous lamb
You living with me underneath the open skies!
We search for die Barrel-daus Schtrap, with barrel clams!
To schtrap up our Barrel and clam!
And you are never ever awkward!

Furg and Gorb: Furg/Gorb You are meine bestest Fründ!
Our fründerschrap will last for a long time
Under the black night of love, for you, Fert/Gurt
On this meek lamb, alas
our fründerschrap will never be awkward!

(FIN of song)

Gorb: Now the grass becomes green with affection.

Furg: Between us, the grass grows thinner than the wind.

Gorb: Truly, I have never felt less awkward.

Furg: Nor I! My breath swells steady and hands shake not, like the wind.

Gorb: Ah, steady Lamb.

Furg: Oh Ho! You speak of me, but here is a lamb upon which we ride! He he!

Gorb: Do not frown, little lamb. Your Gorb and Furb ride with patience and glitlicht. Whenever you think of me, see this brown clam barrel and be not afraid!

sünd die lamber

Furg: Oh lamber. Your sweet whinny.

Exeunt

SCENE 2

Pancho Villa, alone in his study

Panch: Never have I felt thus feeling.

DIE SÜNGEN DIE PRACHTO VILLA

No muffin in the morning
Not a trace of morning muffin
Wander, mice and bird
Through windswept hallows of love.
Forswear my great hipfore
To the far reaching sun
and wander,
Never becoming awkward
but always, in love and aromatic
in the nicht!

Panch: I wish to be alone.
Alone, one cannot be awkward.
With others, one can be awkward.
Oh why am I such a blünderbust!
Never having a friend, save my faithy schtrap!!

Wieldën die BARRELSCHTRAPP!!

(pleïn die violinsünd)

DIE SÜNGER DIE BARRELSCHTRAPP
(staccätie)

Be-rrell-schtrepp
Be-rrel-schtrepp
Thou art my best fründer-schtrap
Never weary
never sill-y
Never awkward, Be-rrell-schtrepp

Glip glap glop, goes the Be-rrell-schtrepp
Clip Clap Clop goes the Be-rrel-schtreppp
Clip clap clop
Glip glap glop
These are the sounds of a Be-rrell-schtrep

I would be reluctant to let thou go

Panch: (spoken)Forged in the smithy of my pelvis-smithy!
Never will you shctrap a barrel!
Not while I breath the windy bluster!

(FIN sünger)

Exeunt PANCHO unt Barrelschtrüpp

SCENE 3

Enter Gorb and Ferg, nein Lämber

Gorb: Lämber!

Ferg: Lämber!

Gorb: Our sweet lamb has gone

Furg: Now we have no lamb to carry-on ho

Gorb: We are now carrion!

Furg: And you, with your clam-overflowing-barrel!

Gorb WIELDEN DIE FLÜGEN-CLAMBÄRREL!!!

Pleïn Die Violinsünd

Die Sünde die VÜLTUREN!!

Furg: Vulturebirds!

Gorb: Not a clam to spare!

Furg: If only the lamb had not fled. Then we could be find the strapp and be safety!

Gorb: Cease your wishies. We will only brave onward, now. By togetherness and powerfull!

Furg: Gorb-without-lamb, are you never awkward?

Gorb: You are too kind.

Furg: Ah, Gorb.

Enter PANCHO unt Barrelschtrüpp

SCHTINGEN DIE VIOLINSÜND!

Panch:(aside) Oh nope! People!


Gorb: (sing-songy)
Ahoy there, hill-friend!

DIE HILLENSÜNG

Furg: Ahoy! Oh Ho!

Gorb: Oh Heil, Lo Ho!

Gorb: Wilcommün, eh? What a nice Hill, eh?

Furg: Have you seen a lamb, eh?

Gorb: A lamb?

Furg: Would you like a clam?

Gorb: A CLAM!

Furg and Gorb: Clembärrel
Clembärrel
Clembärrel
Hey hoy!

(WIELDEN DIE CLËMBURREL!)

(STINGEN DIE VIOLINSÜNG)

Panch: (aside) Oh nein! A Bärrel! Hiden de Barrelschtrüpp!

Gorb: HEY...is that a barrel strapp?

Panch: Um.

Furg: A BARREL-STRAP!

Panch: Maybe...

Gorb: Can I have it for my barrel?

Furg: Yes we have searched far and wide. Just look at the clams, there in the barrel sitting: strapless, yet strapped by love.

Panch: Um...

Gorb and Furg: (singen) Please give us your schtrap!

Panch: Um...

(LONG PAUSE...)

DIE AWKWARD-SONG


Panch: I don't know, i really like the strap.

Gorb and Furg: Please! Give us the strap! (aside) Oh god this is awkward

Panch: I don't know, he is my only friend, (aside) Gad this is so awkward!

Gorb and Furg: Please, oh please! the clammen clammen CLAM!

Panch: But I don't want to be awkward

Gorb and Furg: This is so awkward

Panch: This is so awkward! I will not give you the schtrap

Gorb and Furg: Oh Gad that is so awkward!

Panch: No I will keep it for mein-self!

Gorb and Forg: Oh Gad that is so awkward!

Panch: I don't like you

Gorb and Forg: Awkward

Panch: No, I hate you

Gorb and Forg: Awkward

Panch: Pancho Villa!

Gorb and Forg: Awkward, Awkward Pancho.

Panch: (aside) NEEEIN,
I told myself I'd move unto the tippy of this hill
so I would never see a person
not a single little person
unt forever unt forever I would never ever ever
ever ever ever ever beeee AWKWARD

(violins sweetly)

but now here I am
and they want my only friend, strapp
but that is so awkward

(violins violent)

HOW AWKWARD IS THAT, OH GAD!

Gorb: (to Furb) I don't think he's going to give it to us

Furb: (to Gorb) God that is so awkward!

Gorb: What gives him the right to be so mean and rude?

Furb: Not me! I didn't give it to him

Gorb and Furb: Die Schrapp die Schtrapp! It is the barrel-schrapp of yore
and holds the answer to all our problems and he won't give it to us.
GAAAD, that is so majorly awkward!

but what about the CLAMS, oh gad!

Panch: (defiantly) You will not have my schtraaap.
You will not have my schtraaaaap
You will not have my schtraaaaaap!!
No matter how awkward it is!

(Pancho Villa laffën)

(Pancho Villa neine laffën)

(Unt Awkvard Pausen)

(DIE LÄMBER RÜNNEN!)

(VIOLINSCHTING!)

(DIE LÄMBER GRUBBEN DIE BARRELSCHTRAPP UNT GEIBEN to GORB AND FURG)

Gorb and Furb: Oh lambür!

Panch: Dam you, lambür

Gorb and Furb: Sweet, Sweet, Lambür you have not only returned yourself but the barrelschtrapp as well!

Panch: Damn you lambür!

(weeps)

Gorb and Furg: A las, die clammen are safe!

(putten die schtrappen un die barrel)

(VIOLINSCHTING!)

Gorb and Furg: La lala Laaaa!

(Fin song)


FIN

Gorb: Hey, good job on that Opera!

Furg: Thanks Gorb. Hey pancho, You too!

Pancho: Oh thanks!

(fin)

question

What's the difference between a bagel and a doughnut?

Answer: I doughnut know!!

Everytime I take a dump

I take a stumpy trumpy trump!