THINGS I HOPE ARE NEVER SAID AT MY EULOGY.

“They say you should face your fears. Unfortunately, Brian’s fears were cobras.”

“Brian had a Heart of Gold. Which is probably why he had a stroke. Gold can’t pump blood.”

“‘Ebola.’ It just rolls off your tongue. ‘Ebola.’”

“He could have at least hung a ‘No Murderers Allowed’ sign on the door. What if they just didn’t know?”

“Is ‘chainsaw’ a verb? Can somebody be ‘chainsawed’?” Like, does the sentence ‘Brian was brutally chainsawed to death’ make grammatical sense?”

“Brian thought only pirates could die of scurvy. Brian was wrong. Dead wrong.”

“I’ve heard of people dying because they had too few kidneys, but too many kidneys?!”

“Brian put the ‘laughter’ in ‘voluntary manslaughter.’”

“Everyone makes mistakes. Brian’s biggest mistake? Getting cancer.”

“’Botulism’ sure sounds funny when you say it a lot! Botulism, Botulism, Botulism, Botulism, Botulism, Botulism, Botulism, Botulism.”

“At least he died doing what he loved: bleeding to death.”