Part two of the Ring Cycle by Richard Wagner
FRICHENBLOCH
Last Night, in the mountain castle
I met a well muscled man with bulging loins
He spoke to me his loving name
But I was super drunk and forgot it.
How awkward is that?!
Enter STRAPPERMENSCH
Oh no, it is he!
(I forgot to bathe in the gurgling Rhine!
I bet I smell like shit!
Oh by all the Gods of Gorsch,
Why am I cursed always to be awkward?)
STRAPPERMENSCH
Dear FrichenBloch, Fair Maiden, Hello!
FRICHENBLOCH
Hello, dear fellow!
STRAPPERMENSCH
I have great news!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh What, What?
STRAPPERMENSCH
Today, on the hills of Burgerburg I fought the awkward-beast of Hibbelak and triumphed. His blood ranneth over the hills in a gurgling stream. Now, at last, our village on the hilltop is finally free of the plague of awkwardness! We may live in peace once more by the gurling rhine!!
FRICHENBLOCH
OH JOY!
STRAPPERMENSCH
Oh, but Frichenbloch…
FRICHENBLOCH
Yes?
STRAPPERMENSCH
Although I have triumphed today, I feel that I have yet to triumph over…
FRICHENBLOCH
Yes?
STRAPPERMENSCH
YOUR HEART
FRICHENBLOCH
OH RAPTURE! RAPTURE!
STRAPPERMENSCH
My Dear Frichenbloch, will you join me forever in rapturous love here on this jolly mountain?
FRICHENBLOCH
OH GOLLY, YES!
STRAPPERMENSCH
Never will there have existed a love like ours, dear lady. My loins gurgle with oils of affection! Let us be married right away!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh My love! I’m tingly from head to toe! Let us to do as you say. Forthwith! Forthwith
STRAPPERMENSCH
Although I have triumphed over man and beast, I have never felt more good than I do right now.
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh my fellow…
STRAPPERMENSCH
You wait here, my dear wench, and I shall run fetch the priest. How lovely to be married on this, the day when awkwardness was vanquished once and for all!
Exit Strappermensch
FRICHENBLOCH
Ach! My love and I are to be Married this very night, and yet I still do not know his nombre! But now that we have become so intimate, I feel it is too late to ask! It’s like that episode of seinfeld.
OH GAD, HOW AWKWARD IS THAT!
BLAST YOU GODS! BLAST YOU CURSÉD MEAD!
Enter person
Ah! Mayhap he shall help me.
Excuse me, can you tell me the name of the great hero to whom I will be married tonight? And by the way I hate gay people!
PERSON 1
I am gay!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh God how awkward!!
Enter another person
Excuse me, can you tell me the name of the great hero to whom I will be married tonight? And by the way, I hate jewish people!
PERSON 2
I am jewish!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh Gaad! Why am I so awkward!!
Enter Siegfried
Excuse me, can you tell me the name of the great hero to whom I will be married tonight? And by the way…Oh wait! (slyly) never mind…
SIEGFRIED
Why darling, that man is Me!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh no! Siegfried! My Fiance!
SIEGFRIED
Do you mean to say you have forgotten my name? Ha Ha Ha, what playfulness! Come here, wenchy.
FRICHENBLOCH
(aside) Oh God how should I break it to him? Oh no, this is so awkward! I am a big dork!
SIEFRIED
Come here, my lovely wench…
Enter STRAPPERMENSCH
STRAPPERMENSCH
WHAT!? A MAN WITH HIS HANDS UPON MY FRICHENBLOCH! SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES, SCOUNDREL!
Kills him
Oh Ho! Now you see that I am a man of great power and strength!
FRICHENBLOCH
(Thank god! That would have been so awkward!)
My Love!
FRICHENBLOCH
My Loving fellow, you have returned!
STRAPPERMENSCH
And I brought a priest to have us married! COME, PRIESTY!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh joy! (aside) oh no!
Enter priest
PRIEST
Dearly beloved. You are about to enter into a sacred covenent. As is custom in hills of this area, you must make your vows to your beloved on this most holiest and least awkward of days. Are you willing?
STRAPPERMENSCH
Yes!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh, I do want it so very much!
PRIEST
Then state the name of your beloved and begin!
STRAPPERMENSCH
Oh fair Frichenbloch, the daintiest and most un-lumpy maiden in all of Wafflegrunt, your fair hands are suited to grip my man’s body, and your breasts are full and gurgling with milk, and even though you have not bathed and smell like poop, you still look super hot, and I will love you for all time!
PRIEST
Amen. And now, fair Frichenbloch, speak your fair husband’s name and a vow of love!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh!
(pause)
Um…
PRIEST
Come now, don’t be awkward!
Priest and Strappermensch Laugh
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh, fellow…fellow of mine….
PRIEST
Come now, you must say his name.
FRICHENBLOCH
Um…My love….
(Pause)
(Pause)
…Jason?
Oh Nein.
FRICHENBLOCH
What?
STRAPPERMENSCH
OH NEIN!!!
FRICHENBLOCH
Is that not your name?
PRIEST
You have spaken the name of another man at your husband’s wedding.
STRAPPERMENSCH
OH NEIN NEIN NEIN!
PRIEST
You have broken the vow of non-awkwardness!
FRICHENBLOCH
Motherfucker!
STRAPPERMENSCH
Oh Nein! Oh maiden, why hast thou forsaken my sense of dignity by loving another? You don’t love me! You think I’m ugly! HOW AWKWARD IS THAT!!
Strappermensch begins to realize something…
But that means…That means the plague has returned, and my battle with the beast was for naught! OUR PEOPLE ARE ONCE AGAIN PLAGUED WITH THE DREADED CURSE! I HAVE FAILED! I MUST DIE
Kills himself
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh no! He is dead! I am such a dork! (to priest)
What do I do?
PRIEST
Kill yourself too, it’s only fair.
FRICHENBLOCH
But I don’t wanna.
PRIEST
(shakes his head) tsk tsk tsk…
FRICHENBLOCH
Well, if you think it will help.
Kills herself.
PRIEST
Ah ha ha ha ha ha! (pulls off face) It was me all along, THE AWKWARD-BEAST of HILLELAK AND I WAS WEARING A DISGUISE AH HA HA HA! I win the game I win the game!
Scurries off, evilly.
Last Night, in the mountain castle
I met a well muscled man with bulging loins
He spoke to me his loving name
But I was super drunk and forgot it.
How awkward is that?!
Enter STRAPPERMENSCH
Oh no, it is he!
(I forgot to bathe in the gurgling Rhine!
I bet I smell like shit!
Oh by all the Gods of Gorsch,
Why am I cursed always to be awkward?)
STRAPPERMENSCH
Dear FrichenBloch, Fair Maiden, Hello!
FRICHENBLOCH
Hello, dear fellow!
STRAPPERMENSCH
I have great news!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh What, What?
STRAPPERMENSCH
Today, on the hills of Burgerburg I fought the awkward-beast of Hibbelak and triumphed. His blood ranneth over the hills in a gurgling stream. Now, at last, our village on the hilltop is finally free of the plague of awkwardness! We may live in peace once more by the gurling rhine!!
FRICHENBLOCH
OH JOY!
STRAPPERMENSCH
Oh, but Frichenbloch…
FRICHENBLOCH
Yes?
STRAPPERMENSCH
Although I have triumphed today, I feel that I have yet to triumph over…
FRICHENBLOCH
Yes?
STRAPPERMENSCH
YOUR HEART
FRICHENBLOCH
OH RAPTURE! RAPTURE!
STRAPPERMENSCH
My Dear Frichenbloch, will you join me forever in rapturous love here on this jolly mountain?
FRICHENBLOCH
OH GOLLY, YES!
STRAPPERMENSCH
Never will there have existed a love like ours, dear lady. My loins gurgle with oils of affection! Let us be married right away!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh My love! I’m tingly from head to toe! Let us to do as you say. Forthwith! Forthwith
STRAPPERMENSCH
Although I have triumphed over man and beast, I have never felt more good than I do right now.
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh my fellow…
STRAPPERMENSCH
You wait here, my dear wench, and I shall run fetch the priest. How lovely to be married on this, the day when awkwardness was vanquished once and for all!
Exit Strappermensch
FRICHENBLOCH
Ach! My love and I are to be Married this very night, and yet I still do not know his nombre! But now that we have become so intimate, I feel it is too late to ask! It’s like that episode of seinfeld.
OH GAD, HOW AWKWARD IS THAT!
BLAST YOU GODS! BLAST YOU CURSÉD MEAD!
Enter person
Ah! Mayhap he shall help me.
Excuse me, can you tell me the name of the great hero to whom I will be married tonight? And by the way I hate gay people!
PERSON 1
I am gay!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh God how awkward!!
Enter another person
Excuse me, can you tell me the name of the great hero to whom I will be married tonight? And by the way, I hate jewish people!
PERSON 2
I am jewish!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh Gaad! Why am I so awkward!!
Enter Siegfried
Excuse me, can you tell me the name of the great hero to whom I will be married tonight? And by the way…Oh wait! (slyly) never mind…
SIEGFRIED
Why darling, that man is Me!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh no! Siegfried! My Fiance!
SIEGFRIED
Do you mean to say you have forgotten my name? Ha Ha Ha, what playfulness! Come here, wenchy.
FRICHENBLOCH
(aside) Oh God how should I break it to him? Oh no, this is so awkward! I am a big dork!
SIEFRIED
Come here, my lovely wench…
Enter STRAPPERMENSCH
STRAPPERMENSCH
WHAT!? A MAN WITH HIS HANDS UPON MY FRICHENBLOCH! SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES, SCOUNDREL!
Kills him
Oh Ho! Now you see that I am a man of great power and strength!
FRICHENBLOCH
(Thank god! That would have been so awkward!)
My Love!
FRICHENBLOCH
My Loving fellow, you have returned!
STRAPPERMENSCH
And I brought a priest to have us married! COME, PRIESTY!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh joy! (aside) oh no!
Enter priest
PRIEST
Dearly beloved. You are about to enter into a sacred covenent. As is custom in hills of this area, you must make your vows to your beloved on this most holiest and least awkward of days. Are you willing?
STRAPPERMENSCH
Yes!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh, I do want it so very much!
PRIEST
Then state the name of your beloved and begin!
STRAPPERMENSCH
Oh fair Frichenbloch, the daintiest and most un-lumpy maiden in all of Wafflegrunt, your fair hands are suited to grip my man’s body, and your breasts are full and gurgling with milk, and even though you have not bathed and smell like poop, you still look super hot, and I will love you for all time!
PRIEST
Amen. And now, fair Frichenbloch, speak your fair husband’s name and a vow of love!
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh!
(pause)
Um…
PRIEST
Come now, don’t be awkward!
Priest and Strappermensch Laugh
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh, fellow…fellow of mine….
PRIEST
Come now, you must say his name.
FRICHENBLOCH
Um…My love….
(Pause)
(Pause)
…Jason?
Oh Nein.
FRICHENBLOCH
What?
STRAPPERMENSCH
OH NEIN!!!
FRICHENBLOCH
Is that not your name?
PRIEST
You have spaken the name of another man at your husband’s wedding.
STRAPPERMENSCH
OH NEIN NEIN NEIN!
PRIEST
You have broken the vow of non-awkwardness!
FRICHENBLOCH
Motherfucker!
STRAPPERMENSCH
Oh Nein! Oh maiden, why hast thou forsaken my sense of dignity by loving another? You don’t love me! You think I’m ugly! HOW AWKWARD IS THAT!!
Strappermensch begins to realize something…
But that means…That means the plague has returned, and my battle with the beast was for naught! OUR PEOPLE ARE ONCE AGAIN PLAGUED WITH THE DREADED CURSE! I HAVE FAILED! I MUST DIE
Kills himself
FRICHENBLOCH
Oh no! He is dead! I am such a dork! (to priest)
What do I do?
PRIEST
Kill yourself too, it’s only fair.
FRICHENBLOCH
But I don’t wanna.
PRIEST
(shakes his head) tsk tsk tsk…
FRICHENBLOCH
Well, if you think it will help.
Kills herself.
PRIEST
Ah ha ha ha ha ha! (pulls off face) It was me all along, THE AWKWARD-BEAST of HILLELAK AND I WAS WEARING A DISGUISE AH HA HA HA! I win the game I win the game!
Scurries off, evilly.
posted by theo at 6:16 PM
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