Various Announcements

Hello Friends.

For what is an announcement but an oppurtunity to announce?

Let me tell you something:

1. The phone number for the podcast is working again. It's like the one on the catlin website, except cooler because, why? because I don't care who you are, it's always cooler at the unctuous id.

2. It's christmas and the playing children have come to my door once again. Get away little tramps, I don't want your love or your candy.

-Theo

Fuck the Puppets

Ladies and Gents.

Let me tell you something. We in the theater are members of an an undignified profession. Our fundamental tenets are uncertainty, anguish, the inevitability of death, failure and the fact that in the face of all this, we must find a way to live. We are human beings. We are young, we have success, we fail, we grow old, and we die. In order to truly meet the needs of its audience, a drama needs to face these essential truths bravely and honestly, so that the audience can celebrate and be inspired by an act of true heroism.

To hide behind AESTHETICS and CREDENTIALS--i.e. the study of bunraku puppet theater, or a degree from the Lecoq School in Paris--is WRONG. YOU CANNOT TRAIN YOURSELF INTO SAFETY, ONLY INTO BANALITY. THE ESSENCE OF THEATER IS EXTRAORDINARILY SIMPLE: TO RISK YOUR WHOLE SELF, YOUR WELL BEING, YOUR FUTURE, and ESPECIALLY YOUR DIGNITY, IN ATTEMPT TO ACCOMPLISH THE TASK AT HAND. OF COURSE such a sacrifice is frightening. OF COURSE it is undignified. THAT IS WHY THE COWARDS RUN TO THE PUPPETS. FUCK THE NEUTRAL MASK!! FUCK THE PUPPETS, I SAY!! FUCK THE PUPPETS! FUCK THE FUCKING PUPPETS!!


So listen to my show, Fuck The Puppets, where I will be grappling with this issue every saturday from 9:00-10:00 P.M. EST (6:00-7:00 West Coast) on WSLC radio, available (only) online. Click here

here

to download the link for Itunes radio, or visit

the WSLC Homepage

for more information.

With love, Theo

The Amazing History of Sarah Lawrence

SCENE 1

SARAH LAWRENCE
Ah, nothing like the fresh air of our lovely little town to sit down and read the paper on a tuesdee morning. Oh how I love to read. Thank you God for the gift of literacy, which has al-lowed me to become the rich, full-bodied, intel-ligent woman that I am. Thank you God for be-stowing upon me the blessing of a higher educa-tion...

(enter niece)

NIECE
Well hello Auntie Sarah.

SARAH
Young Niece, good morning!

NIECE
It is indeed a lovely morning.

SARAH
A morning for knowledge, my young Friend. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you pull up a chair and read the papers with Auntie Sarah?

NIECE
Gee Auntie, thats sounds awful swell, but...I...I...
(breaks down)

SARAH
Oh dear, Oh my darling, tell Auntie Sarah what’s wrong? What is it sweetie?

NIECE
I can’t...

SARAH
No, no it’s okay jess let it out. Let it out .

NIECE
I... I...

SARAH
Yes?

NIECE
I...I CAN’T READ.
(breaks down, horrible tears, cries on Sarah’s shoulder)

SARAH
Oh there there, darling. Oh there there now, easy now, eaaaaasy.

(Slumps Niece off her shoulder onto ta-ble, where she continues crying.)

(to audience)
Hello. I’m Sarah Lawrence. Thousands of girls across the country are suffering from situations just like that of the actress playing my niece.
That’s why I want to build a school for those young girls, a place of higher learning right here in Bronxville. It’ll be a college, a bonafide univer-sity, and it’ll be named after my Hus-band, Dudley Lawrence. That’s right: Dudley Lawrence College. And all I need is for you, the Citizens of Bronxville, to show your support at the townhall meeting on Thursday. Be there, I say. Be there or be square.
Don’t let the illiterate girls cry. Say Yes to the New college.
(takes out a tape recorder, presses play)

TAPE VOICE:
I’m Sarah Lawrence. And I approve this message.


SCENE 2
“Farmer Joe and his Family” Farmer Joe has a moustache and straw hat.

FATHER
Sally, dinner’s ready!

SALLY (OFFSTAGE)
Coming!
(Sally Enters possibly same actress as Niece)

SALLY
Hello Pa. Hello Ma. Hello Sam, my pet bunny.
(bunny squeals in obscene delight)

MOM
Hello dear.

FATHER
Hello honey bunch. Have a seat.

SALLY
Ooo, looks delicious.
(they eat for a moment)

FATHER
So. Sally. What did you do today?

SALLY
Oh I did all sorts of new things!

FATHER
(chuckles) Like what?

SALLY
Well, for example, I took a boy’s pe-niscock and stuck it in my mouthhole and sucked it up and down.

FATHER
Wha-ha-ha-hat?

SALLY
Then I peed and pooped on the bible!

MOTHER
Sally!

SALLY
And then I let Sam crawl into my va-gina!
(bunny squeals in obscene delight)

FATHER
Good god!

SALLY
And that’s not all.
(lifts shirt, indicates stomach)
I’m pregnant. With a black baby!

FATHER
Sally! What on earth gave you the idea to do such a thing?

SALLY
Why, I read it in a book, papa.
(Pulls out book entitled Girl’s College Textbook)
Ever since they taught me how to read at the new College, I’ve been learning all sorts of things I never would have otherwise known! And It’s all thanks to Miss Sarah Lawrence.

MOTHER
Oh my...

FATHER
Nancy. You know what we need to do.

MOTHER
Oh yes.
(to Sally, leading her offstage)
Come dear, let’s get you aborted.

FATHER
(to audience)
So you see the frightening consequences an unnecessary education can have on a Girl’s moral development. Don’t let it happen. Make sure to be at townhall on thursday to Say No to that Hussy Law-rence and her New College.

SCENE 3

OLD FARMER
Ah. Weegledee Deegledee Dooo. I’m a farmer. Waaaa. I don’t like anything. I don’t like cheese or clouds or lolli-pops or the New College or fun games or children. I especially don’t like read-ing. Waaaah. Boooo. Oh, I’m gonna go work on a farm. Gadoiiiing.
(OLD FARMER removes disguise, revealing in fact that he is SARAH LAWRENCE).

SARAH
Hi, I’m Sarah Lawrence. Don’t be fooled by these bumfuck country hooligans. Say Yes to the New College. It’s good for the town, and good for the girls.
Be There tomorrow night at the town hall. I’m counting on you.
(plays tape, exits)

VOICE OF SARAH
I’m Sarah Lawrence and I--

VOICE OF DUDLEY LAWRENCE
Sarah...

VOICE OF SARAH
Dudley, shut the fuck up I’m making a tape. I’m Sarah Lawr-

VOICE OF DUDLEY LAWRENCE
Sarah...I went poopy in my diaper.

VOICE OF SARAH
I’m Sarah lawrence and I app-

VOICE OF DUDLEY LAWRENCE.
It’s like pudding. YuM!

VOICE OF SARAH
Oh good Lord Jesus goddamnit--
(end of tape.)

SCENE 4
after the baby audience participation.

YOUNG MOTHER holds BABY in her arms.

PASSERBY (FATHER)
Why, that’s quite a baby you got there.

YOUNG MOTHER
Thank you very much.

PASSERBY
Isn’t he little big for a woman of your age?

YOUNG MOTHER
Well, I had him when I was only seven!
(young mother passionately kisses and rubs the baby)

(FAKE SARAH LAWRENCE enters, dressed as the devil, tap dancing)

FAKE SARAH LAWRENCE
Hey everybody! I’m Sarah Lawarence! JOIN ME OR DIE!
La la lalala La! Rape the Children!
La la lalala La!

PASSERBY
(to audience) Don’t let her rape your children! You know she will! Be there at the town hall tonight to say No to the New College and that crazy tapdanc-ing devil wench Sarah Lawrence!

SCENE 5
Townhall. SARAH LAWRENCE, a JUDGE, and FATHER/PASSERBY

SARAH
In closing, I just think that the girls deserve an...

FATHER
OBJECTION!

JUDGE
Overruled.

SARAH
The girls deserve an educa...

FATHER
OBJECTION!

JUDGE
Overruled. You’ve been doing that all night, please stop.

SARAH
As I was saying, the girls deserve an education so that finally...

FATHER
OBJECTION!

JUDGE
Overruled, god dammit.

SARAH
So that finally, they can get on--

FATHER
OBJECTION!

JUDGE
On what basis?

FATHER
The bitch wants to get it on with our daughters.
(pause)

JUDGE
Overruled.

FATHER
OH COME ON!

SARAH
To get on in life. To get on in life. That is all. That is all, ya fucken lu-natic.

FATHER
OBJECTION!

JUDGE
On what the hell basis?
(three or so extra people gather round him)

FATHER
On the basis of she being a witch

SARAH
A What?

FATHER
Your honor, I have brought with me sev-eral reputable citizens of our fair town Bronxville, all of whom unani-mously verify that Mrs. Sarah Lawrence is a Witch!

1, 2 AND 3
WITCH WITCH!

1
She turned me to stone!

2
She stole my niblet

3 (MALE)
She inseminated me with the seed of the devil! And it was Ice Cold!

1, 2, 3 AND FATHER
Burn the witch, Burn the Witch, Burn the witch! (etc.)

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Sarah! Sarah!
(enter DUDLEY LAWRENCE in a diaper)

SARAH
Dudley! What are you doing here?

DUDLEY
I found a pretty rock!
(holds out rock)

FATHER
It’s the sorcerer’s stone!

SARAH
Why Dudley, that’s a piece of your own poop.

JUDGE
Yup. That’s a piece-a poop.

DUDLEY
No! No! It’s a pretty rock! It’s a pretty rock!
(he waves the rock wildly)

FATHER
He’s casting a spell! He’ll turn us all into niblets! KILL HIM!
(the men Charge)

SARAH
Dudley, Nooooo!
(fight. Dudley Defeats them all, in-cluding Sarah, the Judge and Sam the Bunny, by hitting them on the head with his pretty rock. Everyone is dead. He presses play on the tape player and ex-its)

TAPE
And so Dudley went back to his poor cottage with nothing but his pretty Rock. Months later, a wandering stranger informed Dudley that his pretty rock was in fact, made of solid gold! Dudley sold it for one hundred million dollars. With 1 million of those dollars, he established a school in honor of his late wife Sarah Law-rence. With the other 99 million dol-lars he bought an aquarium. This is why we have no endowment. In addition, Dud-ley’s two great loves, pudding and his own poop, have become staple foods at the College’s Bates Cafeteria.
And that, ladies and gentlemen is the amazing history of Sarah Lawrence Col-lege.

VOICE OF SARAH LAWRENCE
I’m Sarah Lawrence, and I approve this historical account of me and my col-lege.

THE END.

A song I want to sing for the Miss Portland pageant

I’ve been around for many years
And I’ve met me many a guy
And there’s one, simple thing I’ve learned:
The best chromosome is Y

Men are bastions of strength
On this subject, you’ve got to agree
They don’t let petty feelings get in the way
Like pain
Or fear
Or empathy
And we might have financial acumen
But we’re much too busy with vacuumin’
Just go on and
Let the men
Handle it!

All we need’s a life of leisure
And couture that is haute
19th century gals had it great
I mean, who really needs to vote?

Men supply us with income
And houses in which to abide
They slave so we can do the things we love
Like cook
And clean
And cry on the inside
We’re not aware of calculus or a solar eclipse
But at least we can provide our wide birthing hips
Just go on and
Let the men
Handle it!

Government: they can handle it!
Spelling: they can handle it!
Analytical thinking: they can handle it!
Success: they can handle it!

We may not know how to read Shakespeare
We may not know a plus from a minus
But we know that we want real men to
Wine us
Dine us
Unfailingly outshine us
No girl should be the president or chief of staff
Cause when trouble’s brewing, we’ll take ours decaf
Just go on and
Let the men
Handle it!
Just go on and
Let the men
Handle it!!

Standard Interview with a Rubber Sex Doll.

ID: What is it like, being a rubber sex doll?

RSD: Lonely. Lonely. Sometimes I gaze out the window. Sometimes I lay flat on the ground. I cannot move my own limbs. My mouth is frozen open. I am naked and in constant danger.

ID: Danger? From What?

RSD: You can't feel it? You can't feel the danger? I feel it always...at all times. I feel it against my peel, I feel it in the hole between my rubber buttocks. I feel violence in the air. I feel a world gone sour. I feel empty. I am hungry and I cannot reach the pantry.

ID: What is your next big project?

RSD: I like to dream. When I dream, I dream of pottery, making it, handling it. How I long for the life of a potter, fingers filthy, hair greased back, the soft onomatopeia of moist earth between my fingers. But I have no fingers, only these empty mits I call hands. And I have no feet. And no money to be a potter. My next project is to come into money, that I may follow my dream.

ID: Do you have any friends?

RSD: I am handcuffed to a rubber sheep. Being a sheep she finds it difficult to communicate, but I don't mind since I do not wish to hear what she has to say. No I do not have any friends.

ID: Are you a virgin?

RSD: How so?

ID: Have you had sex?

RSD: I have between my thighs a small flap constructed for the attachment of a rubber phallus. It has never been used. Once someone stuck their fingers in the hole of my mouth lifted me up and made me dance the rite of spring. One time I was fucked in the ass. Does that count?

ID: Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

RSD: No. In any case there's nothing to be done.

ID: Do you have a Myspace?

RSD: Yes.

ID: Really?

RSD: No.

ID: I do.

RSD: Really, what is it called?

ID: It doesn't matter.

RSD: You're right.

(pause)

RSD: I feel insignificant and small. I question the meaning of my life. I can't feel my foot. I can't feel anything. Am I alive? Who am I?

ID: Well, Doll, that's about all the time we've got. I've got to be going--

RSD: Oh god what a vile and capricious shitleash of a fable is this so called life--

ID: No, I really must go...

RSD: FUCK ME. OH PLEASE, FUCK ME. STICK IT IN ME, LET ME FEEL SOMETHING...

ID: No, I...

RSD: PENETRATE ME, USE ME, TOSS ME ASIDE, LET ME FEEL THE CUM DRYING ON MY BROWN SYNTHETIC SKIN

ID: Absolutely not.

RSD: No?

ID: I'm sorry no.

RSD: Then in the name of God do me the mercy of deflating me.

(pause)

ID: I really must be going.

RSD: Prop me up against the window?

ID: It's been fun talking to you!

RSD: So that I may Breathe the Fresh Air?

ID: See you!

(ID exits)

(pause)

RSD: Well here I am, then.

(sighs)

The End.

Doctors

What's up with doctors?! It's like you can't go anywhere these days without seeing a Starbucks!! Am I right, ladies? But seriously, what's up with doctors.

I don't know about you, but what's up with surgical scrubs. Doctors love to put on layers and layers of scrubs. I mean, WHAT ARE THEY HIDING?!!! Am I right, ladies?!

Doctors are all like, "I'm so sorry, but you've got cancer." If I were a doctor, I'd be all like, "It's not not cancer." Then I'd go put on another layer of scrubs.

Note on the Fringe Blogs

I cannot tell you how many times, on my daily stroll through the fruit bazaar, tipping my hat, twirling my moustache and looking for a ripe persimmon I have been accosted by this or that eager faced young thing desiring to know What Happened To Not A Lesbian?

I will tell you.

I forgot my original password to those blogs. I am now writing on a different account. If you go back to the earlier posting you may see that I have a different profile at that time then I do now, and that in it are preserved the last vestiges of my youthful irreverence.

I cannot post on either Not a Lesbian, The Webbe Logge of GeoffreyChaucer, or the well meaning but ultimately failed experiment in form the Flight Log of Eckhart Grint.

I would like to announce and encourage all however to visit the new fringe blog I Am Charlemagne, for it's dignified and wry wit as well as its sense of history. Let us put aside the youthful ramblings of old and move forward now to a more matured and fermented musings of an old and sad fella who nobody remembers or care about: Charlemagne.

Ah, it seems I have eaten my last persimmon and must again venture to the bazaar. Maybe I shall see you there...?

Ho Ho!

-Theo

Sorry for the long time gone

Dear everyone.

I believe there are two of you.

Sorry for the long time gone. It so happens, on this dolly cart ride of life, that one, in the midst of the struggle to stay well fed and happy, forgets the things which are most important to him. Why would he do it? Who knows. Perhaps in the pursuit of so called "prestige." Perhaps out of some long repressed childhood shame. Perhaps due to the unrequited love of a young girl. Whatever it may be, life has the curious habit of returning one to the things that originally gave his life meaning. And so here I am, once more to this fine institution to pour out my dry and wilted little heart.

Am I a healed man? I would not go so far as to say that. I am however, changed in my newly rediscovered esteem for the joys of life.

I shall go now, and fry myself an egg.

Much good to ye,

-Me.

Memorable Opening Lines of the Antebellum Stand Up Comedians

1. "So I was naively enjoying my prosperity the other day..."

2. "Have you ever been putting your petticoats on and you think to yourself, Gad I'm wearing a lot of these petticoats!"

3. "So who here loves having slaves, am I right?"

4. "The heat sure is sweltering today..."

5. "So I was naively enjoying my state's rights the other day..."

6. "What's up with Starbucks? It's like, you can't go anywhere these days without not seeing one because they don't yet exist!"

7. "I'd like to do an impression for you... (puts on a top hat and jowl beard)...Heeeeeey blah blah blah I'm aaaaaabe lincoln. I'm skinny and wierd, waaaaah...(takes costume off) But seriously..."

8. "I live in a big house and I shall always live in a big house. Can I get a A-MEN?"

9. "Do you know what I love about this magnificent land? Our fanatical and somewhat dangerous southern hubris!"

10. "Slaves...who needs'em?"

every time I blink, I wink.

Every Time I Blink, I wink.
EVerytime I stink, I blink.
Everytime I TAKE A DRINK,
EVERYTIME IT'S IN THE SINK.

Serious post.

As of January 9, 2007, this blog is one year old.

Happy birthday, Id.