The Amazing History of Sarah Lawrence

SCENE 1

SARAH LAWRENCE
Ah, nothing like the fresh air of our lovely little town to sit down and read the paper on a tuesdee morning. Oh how I love to read. Thank you God for the gift of literacy, which has al-lowed me to become the rich, full-bodied, intel-ligent woman that I am. Thank you God for be-stowing upon me the blessing of a higher educa-tion...

(enter niece)

NIECE
Well hello Auntie Sarah.

SARAH
Young Niece, good morning!

NIECE
It is indeed a lovely morning.

SARAH
A morning for knowledge, my young Friend. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you pull up a chair and read the papers with Auntie Sarah?

NIECE
Gee Auntie, thats sounds awful swell, but...I...I...
(breaks down)

SARAH
Oh dear, Oh my darling, tell Auntie Sarah what’s wrong? What is it sweetie?

NIECE
I can’t...

SARAH
No, no it’s okay jess let it out. Let it out .

NIECE
I... I...

SARAH
Yes?

NIECE
I...I CAN’T READ.
(breaks down, horrible tears, cries on Sarah’s shoulder)

SARAH
Oh there there, darling. Oh there there now, easy now, eaaaaasy.

(Slumps Niece off her shoulder onto ta-ble, where she continues crying.)

(to audience)
Hello. I’m Sarah Lawrence. Thousands of girls across the country are suffering from situations just like that of the actress playing my niece.
That’s why I want to build a school for those young girls, a place of higher learning right here in Bronxville. It’ll be a college, a bonafide univer-sity, and it’ll be named after my Hus-band, Dudley Lawrence. That’s right: Dudley Lawrence College. And all I need is for you, the Citizens of Bronxville, to show your support at the townhall meeting on Thursday. Be there, I say. Be there or be square.
Don’t let the illiterate girls cry. Say Yes to the New college.
(takes out a tape recorder, presses play)

TAPE VOICE:
I’m Sarah Lawrence. And I approve this message.


SCENE 2
“Farmer Joe and his Family” Farmer Joe has a moustache and straw hat.

FATHER
Sally, dinner’s ready!

SALLY (OFFSTAGE)
Coming!
(Sally Enters possibly same actress as Niece)

SALLY
Hello Pa. Hello Ma. Hello Sam, my pet bunny.
(bunny squeals in obscene delight)

MOM
Hello dear.

FATHER
Hello honey bunch. Have a seat.

SALLY
Ooo, looks delicious.
(they eat for a moment)

FATHER
So. Sally. What did you do today?

SALLY
Oh I did all sorts of new things!

FATHER
(chuckles) Like what?

SALLY
Well, for example, I took a boy’s pe-niscock and stuck it in my mouthhole and sucked it up and down.

FATHER
Wha-ha-ha-hat?

SALLY
Then I peed and pooped on the bible!

MOTHER
Sally!

SALLY
And then I let Sam crawl into my va-gina!
(bunny squeals in obscene delight)

FATHER
Good god!

SALLY
And that’s not all.
(lifts shirt, indicates stomach)
I’m pregnant. With a black baby!

FATHER
Sally! What on earth gave you the idea to do such a thing?

SALLY
Why, I read it in a book, papa.
(Pulls out book entitled Girl’s College Textbook)
Ever since they taught me how to read at the new College, I’ve been learning all sorts of things I never would have otherwise known! And It’s all thanks to Miss Sarah Lawrence.

MOTHER
Oh my...

FATHER
Nancy. You know what we need to do.

MOTHER
Oh yes.
(to Sally, leading her offstage)
Come dear, let’s get you aborted.

FATHER
(to audience)
So you see the frightening consequences an unnecessary education can have on a Girl’s moral development. Don’t let it happen. Make sure to be at townhall on thursday to Say No to that Hussy Law-rence and her New College.

SCENE 3

OLD FARMER
Ah. Weegledee Deegledee Dooo. I’m a farmer. Waaaa. I don’t like anything. I don’t like cheese or clouds or lolli-pops or the New College or fun games or children. I especially don’t like read-ing. Waaaah. Boooo. Oh, I’m gonna go work on a farm. Gadoiiiing.
(OLD FARMER removes disguise, revealing in fact that he is SARAH LAWRENCE).

SARAH
Hi, I’m Sarah Lawrence. Don’t be fooled by these bumfuck country hooligans. Say Yes to the New College. It’s good for the town, and good for the girls.
Be There tomorrow night at the town hall. I’m counting on you.
(plays tape, exits)

VOICE OF SARAH
I’m Sarah Lawrence and I--

VOICE OF DUDLEY LAWRENCE
Sarah...

VOICE OF SARAH
Dudley, shut the fuck up I’m making a tape. I’m Sarah Lawr-

VOICE OF DUDLEY LAWRENCE
Sarah...I went poopy in my diaper.

VOICE OF SARAH
I’m Sarah lawrence and I app-

VOICE OF DUDLEY LAWRENCE.
It’s like pudding. YuM!

VOICE OF SARAH
Oh good Lord Jesus goddamnit--
(end of tape.)

SCENE 4
after the baby audience participation.

YOUNG MOTHER holds BABY in her arms.

PASSERBY (FATHER)
Why, that’s quite a baby you got there.

YOUNG MOTHER
Thank you very much.

PASSERBY
Isn’t he little big for a woman of your age?

YOUNG MOTHER
Well, I had him when I was only seven!
(young mother passionately kisses and rubs the baby)

(FAKE SARAH LAWRENCE enters, dressed as the devil, tap dancing)

FAKE SARAH LAWRENCE
Hey everybody! I’m Sarah Lawarence! JOIN ME OR DIE!
La la lalala La! Rape the Children!
La la lalala La!

PASSERBY
(to audience) Don’t let her rape your children! You know she will! Be there at the town hall tonight to say No to the New College and that crazy tapdanc-ing devil wench Sarah Lawrence!

SCENE 5
Townhall. SARAH LAWRENCE, a JUDGE, and FATHER/PASSERBY

SARAH
In closing, I just think that the girls deserve an...

FATHER
OBJECTION!

JUDGE
Overruled.

SARAH
The girls deserve an educa...

FATHER
OBJECTION!

JUDGE
Overruled. You’ve been doing that all night, please stop.

SARAH
As I was saying, the girls deserve an education so that finally...

FATHER
OBJECTION!

JUDGE
Overruled, god dammit.

SARAH
So that finally, they can get on--

FATHER
OBJECTION!

JUDGE
On what basis?

FATHER
The bitch wants to get it on with our daughters.
(pause)

JUDGE
Overruled.

FATHER
OH COME ON!

SARAH
To get on in life. To get on in life. That is all. That is all, ya fucken lu-natic.

FATHER
OBJECTION!

JUDGE
On what the hell basis?
(three or so extra people gather round him)

FATHER
On the basis of she being a witch

SARAH
A What?

FATHER
Your honor, I have brought with me sev-eral reputable citizens of our fair town Bronxville, all of whom unani-mously verify that Mrs. Sarah Lawrence is a Witch!

1, 2 AND 3
WITCH WITCH!

1
She turned me to stone!

2
She stole my niblet

3 (MALE)
She inseminated me with the seed of the devil! And it was Ice Cold!

1, 2, 3 AND FATHER
Burn the witch, Burn the Witch, Burn the witch! (etc.)

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Sarah! Sarah!
(enter DUDLEY LAWRENCE in a diaper)

SARAH
Dudley! What are you doing here?

DUDLEY
I found a pretty rock!
(holds out rock)

FATHER
It’s the sorcerer’s stone!

SARAH
Why Dudley, that’s a piece of your own poop.

JUDGE
Yup. That’s a piece-a poop.

DUDLEY
No! No! It’s a pretty rock! It’s a pretty rock!
(he waves the rock wildly)

FATHER
He’s casting a spell! He’ll turn us all into niblets! KILL HIM!
(the men Charge)

SARAH
Dudley, Nooooo!
(fight. Dudley Defeats them all, in-cluding Sarah, the Judge and Sam the Bunny, by hitting them on the head with his pretty rock. Everyone is dead. He presses play on the tape player and ex-its)

TAPE
And so Dudley went back to his poor cottage with nothing but his pretty Rock. Months later, a wandering stranger informed Dudley that his pretty rock was in fact, made of solid gold! Dudley sold it for one hundred million dollars. With 1 million of those dollars, he established a school in honor of his late wife Sarah Law-rence. With the other 99 million dol-lars he bought an aquarium. This is why we have no endowment. In addition, Dud-ley’s two great loves, pudding and his own poop, have become staple foods at the College’s Bates Cafeteria.
And that, ladies and gentlemen is the amazing history of Sarah Lawrence Col-lege.

VOICE OF SARAH LAWRENCE
I’m Sarah Lawrence, and I approve this historical account of me and my col-lege.

THE END.