Memorable Opening Lines of the Antebellum Stand Up Comedians

1. "So I was naively enjoying my prosperity the other day..."

2. "Have you ever been putting your petticoats on and you think to yourself, Gad I'm wearing a lot of these petticoats!"

3. "So who here loves having slaves, am I right?"

4. "The heat sure is sweltering today..."

5. "So I was naively enjoying my state's rights the other day..."

6. "What's up with Starbucks? It's like, you can't go anywhere these days without not seeing one because they don't yet exist!"

7. "I'd like to do an impression for you... (puts on a top hat and jowl beard)...Heeeeeey blah blah blah I'm aaaaaabe lincoln. I'm skinny and wierd, waaaaah...(takes costume off) But seriously..."

8. "I live in a big house and I shall always live in a big house. Can I get a A-MEN?"

9. "Do you know what I love about this magnificent land? Our fanatical and somewhat dangerous southern hubris!"

10. "Slaves...who needs'em?"