riddle (for the cheeyulldrinn!)

Q. How many poops does it take to make a dump?

A: Three poops times a million!

back in my day...

trouble with dishes is you gotta washem. Beck in MY day, we din't have to warsh dishes, because we lived off the land, and you never have to warsh the land!

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

THE UNCTUOUS ID WOULD LIKE TO GIVE A VERY SPECIAL POST-THANKSGIVING, PRE-CHRISTMAS CONGrATULATIONS TO SAMUEL ALDEN (KNOWN IN THESE PARTS AS RICE PATTY DUBOIS) WHO HAS JUST WON THE AWARD FOR BEST PERSON WHO READS THIS BLOG SINCE ANDY HUNTER, BETTER EVEN THAN ANDY HUNTER, BECAUSE ANDY HUNTER WORE A DIAPER AND CRIED LIKE A BABY. WHAT ARE WE THANKFUL FOR AT THE UNCTUOUS ID? YOU, SAM ALDEN! YOU!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

RAISED BY WOLVES: THE TEENAGE YEARS

HUMAN TEENAGER: Mom, you need to stop coming around my school. You’re embarrassing me.

WOLF MOTHER: What are you talking about, Bitey?

TEEN: All my friends think it’s weird that my mom’s a wolf. And can you please call me “Brian” like everyone else?

WOLF: “Bitey” is a perfectly lovely name. We named you after your grandfather.

TEEN: My friends at school all laugh at me! They call me “wolf boy” and try to capture me in a cage and throw rocks at me.

WOLF: Then they’re not your real friends, are they?

TEEN: Maybe if you’d let me walk upright I could concentrate more on making “real friends” and less on my disfigured spine.

WOLF: You have to earn that privilege, mister. I’ll let you walk upright when you stop fighting constantly with your brother.

TEEN: You don’t get it. He’s trying to bite me in the jugular vein. If I stop fighting back, there is no question that he will kill me. Because he’s a wolf, and that’s what he does.

WOLF: I don’t care who started it.

TEEN: And I’m getting too old for you to pack my lunches for me, mom.

WOLF: I understand, Bitey. Just don’t come crying to me when your cafeteria’s raw, bloody rabbit sandwiches don’t have the crusts cut off like mine do.

TEEN: You just don’t understand anything about me. Or my opposable thumbs.

ANNOUNCEMENT!

From the people who brought you "Romeo and Juliet" and "Hamlet"...
Now presenting "THE BARREL!" starring The Unctuous Id!
This musical revue will hit bookstores Summer 2007!

great political bumper stickers

"Build a tree, take the bush away from the tree!"

"Shave your bush to get rid of bad-politics herpes!"

"Bush is a vagina, heeeey, BUSH VAGINA!"

"Bush is like a bush, so make a tree, heeey!"

"Shave your president, save a tree/bush"

"Make bush with face!"

"Penis Cheney"

"Bake cheney cock penis bush!"

"Muffin Muffin George W. Bush (he likes 'em!)"

"Japanese Bush From Foreign"

"Nuclear Bush = big pussy yum yum!"

"Break the egg of menstruation from bush blood period tampoon!"

"What color is Bush? Red State, menstruation!"

"Is it any wonder that "this administration" sounds so much like "piss menstruation"?"

"Bush hates Faggots Niggers and Gooks, heeey plant a tree!"

"What's my favorite website? Pussy.Com=thewhitehouse.ORG, get it?"

"Bush loves Penis Chode = iraq ROCK HARD COCK bush penis chode"

"Or as I like to call them: iPod-ssibilities!"

"For Every dick cheney there's always a bush to plant a tree!"

"staple my scrotes to a dickler sack!"

"books are for gooks!"

"George W. Bush is from a village"

"Somewhere in texas a village is missing it's midgit"

"Somewhere in texas a village is missing it's poop-toilet"

"Somewhere in texas a village is missing it's childhood"

"Somewhere in texas a village is missing it's slavery."

"George W. Bush needs a fathah!"

"Has anyone seen my bumper sticker?"

"Bush = Poontang, Dick= Wang...WHERE'S MA HUMPS?!"

"Remember Ma humps? those were the days..."

"My lovely Lady trees...my lovely planting bush. my lovely lady bush plant. my lovely lady LUMP OH I KNOW, LAURA IS THE HUMP!"

"George W. Bush is a lumpah."

"I'm George W. Bush and I approve this massage. mmmm that feels like wharm apple paaaah"

"What is star wars? star trek! where's mah tree?"

"follow my car until I take a duMP!"

"George W. Bush is an alien from Pluuuutoooe"

"Vote GoerdubbaBuotc 2004!"

"GORE LIEBERMAN>?! MORE LIKE SORE DOBERMAN, BECASUE THEY"re BOTH VISchUSS DAWGS!!! BARK BARK!"

"I'm grge duba b ush. poop on me."

how to barf

barf step one: please remove your barf guard

barf step two: please remove your neck tie

barf step three: please remove your friends

barf step four: now take barf and pull tab to release barf gas

barf step five: release barf gas and cry

barf step six: cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

barf step seven: now can you barf, or can you not bear to barf

barf step eight: I knew it, you can't do it.

barf step nine: but all the same, you must barf. and so now you barf, flowing like a rainbow you barf, like a rainbow of barf you barf.

barf step ten: all the barf is gone.

barf step eleven: now you may ascend.

highlights from my mind

For thirteen years I've been humming the same song
as I make my way to the backstage acre of this carnival
where I will find a private room to purge my lust.

Not quite fleshy and not quite dry,
I can smell myself failing
and slowly giving in to ripples
of groin-lust.

So here were are at last, I joke and blink.

All the rooms are open walled
and surrounded by aging men
busy weaving horns and blowing baskets
looking over my shoulder and so
I shall be purging nothing tonight
not even a fart.

I shall wait until morning
and until then, lick paint chips
of all colors and races
off the flakey shanks of carousel ponies.

pony, with nothing better to do
I'll chew on you till the two of us are dead.

Chapstick joke!!!

What's up with chapstick? I mean, shouldn't they call it "not chapstick", cause who would want to buy a chapstick?

highlights from my days as an observational stand up comedian

"Have you ever been havin sex with a bitch and you realise 'I'm a faggot-gay'? That happened to me. OOPS: TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!"

"Have you ever been havin sex with a person your own age and you realise 'I'm a pedophile'? That happened to me. OOPS: TOO MUCH INFORMATION!"

"Have you ever been havin sex with a person of color and you realise 'I'm a flamin' racist! Whyyyyyyy, I'm worse than John C. Calhoun!'? That happened to me. Heeey yaaaaa"

"Have you ever been havin sex yourself and you realize 'i'm lonely here in my room, masturbaten'? That happened to me. . ."

"Have you ever been havin sex with your brother and you realise 'I left the tea-kettle on! Oh no!' That happened to my sister."

racial humor

Q. What's the difference between black people and white people?

A. White people aren't niggers!

come and get me.

Q. what's the best thing you can say when you're answering the phone?

A. "Yullo"

Why the Lampoon Also Sucks

6. Because they took me to the final round!!

why the lampoon sucks

1. their name rhymes with tampon

2. the are used to kill whales

3. they are used to light the streets

4. they are used to eat soup

5. they are old and wrinkly

6. they killed the whales.

7. it's getting harder to use all of the whale.