THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE

Have a massive cardiac arrest.

Be escorted to the nearest hospital in an ambulance.

Be rushed into the ER.

Slip quietly into a coma.

Wake ten days later, in an ominously lucid state, to say goodbye to my family.

Slip back into a coma.

Never wake from said coma.

Flat-line.

Visit Paris.

MOVIE REVIEWS

GONE WITH THE WIND
This movie was OK, but it was no 300. Seriously, have you seen 300? That movie had such cool special effects and action scenes. I’m a very masculine guy, but I’m not afraid to admit that some of the love scenes in 300 made me cry, and also some of the action scenes (because they were so awesome/colorful). Gone With the Wind should have been more like that.

OCEAN’S 11
I like where this movie was going with having a number in its title. The “11”, however, referred to the eleven con men and not how many Spartans were killed during the duration of the film, which took me right out of the movie. They should have called it “Ocean’s 0”, due to the fact that zero Spartans were killed during the duration of the film.

TAXI DRIVER
Great movie. On a scale of one to a thousand, I would give this movie a 300. Not the number three hundred, but the movie 300, which would be the equivalent of 1000. 300 is really good!

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT
This was a so-so movie about the emotional turmoil between a girl and her mother. I guess you could say, though, that their troubled relationship was like Sparta and the mother’s cancer was like the Persian King Xerxes, and that their ambivalent yet very much profound feelings towards one another were like when all the Spartans died at the Battle of Thermopylae. In that way it was a pretty good movie.

CITIZEN KANE
This is the best movie I have seen in a long, long time. The dialogue is intelligent, the filmmaking groundbreaking, and the acting flawless. It might just be my favorite movie. No, wait, I forgot 300. 300 is my favorite movie.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Little is known about the fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Picasso.

Michelangelo: Totally rad, bros – this toxic waste has made us into, like, super-turtles!!

Leonardo: Yeah, I’m stronger than ever and I can easily wield this Japanese sword I just found. How about you, Picasso? What’s your special new power?

Picasso: Bros, I don’t feel so great after all that toxic waste. I’m nauseous, and all my hair is falling out.

Donatello: In Japanese, “hair falling out” is “hea-shikkyaku-auto”. My awesome new power is knowing Japanese.

Leonardo: Doitashi mashitay. Ha ji may ma shitay! (All but Picasso laugh)

Donatello: Good one. Japanese is easy.

Raphael: And I feel super light and agile. Cowabunga!

Picasso: I also feel totally light, bro. But I think it’s totally less due to a new power and more due to, like, a lack of red blood cells, white blood cells, and hair.

Raphael: How about weapons, dudes? I just have this feeling that I am going to kick tail with Ninja daggers.

Picasso: Does having too many chromosomes count as a weapon? I have five too many chromosomes.

Michelangelo: The bo staff counts. I am good at the bo staff.

Leonardo: Picasso, why are you crying, bro?

Picasso: I’m just getting used to the surges of estrogen from the ovaries I spontaneously grew five minutes ago, which instantly became sterile.

Donatello: And it’s totally cool that we all have our own colors now!

Raphael: Yeah. Like, Leonardo is blue, Donatello is purple, Picasso is albino and bleeding uncontrollably, and Michelangelo is orange.

Michelangelo: Now, who’s ready for some pizza??!

Picasso: I’m allergic to gluten now.

Twenty Questions

-Animal, vegetable, or mineral?
-Animal.
-Is it a giraffe?
-Yes.