God and Q. Continued

GOD: I'm sorry.
Q: You're sorry?
GOD: I had to.
Q: You had to rape me?
GOD: You don't understand. Nobody understands.
Q: There there, what is it God?
GOD: It's just... It's just...I'M GAY
Q: We know, honey.
GOD: You do?
Q: Yes, of course we do. Well I do. You raped me.
GOD: But maybe I just did it to demean you and demonstrate my power.
Q: No, it was gay.
GOD: What do you mean "we"?
Q: I meant me.
GOD: Why did you say we?
Q: I meant "the gay community"?
GOD: The gay community? All of it?
Q: Yes. We know you're gay. That's why we're gay. Because we love God.
GOD: YOu love me?
Q: Yes.
GOD: You love me?
Q: Yes, we do. I do.
GOD: So then it wasn't rape!
Q: No, it was still rape.
GOD: Oh. Darn.
Q: BUt that doesn't mean I didn't like it!
GOD: Now now, don't joke about rape. It's a very serious issue, especially in the gay community.
Q: How do you know?
GOD: Because I'm a mariachi!
(enter bandaderos)
BANDADEROS: Uno Does Tres: BAAAA BAAAA BAMBA abadabadababama.
GOD: No one will ever know I'm gay now that I'm a MARIACHI!
Q: BUt I know.. I know...
GOD: Don't slink away, you little murgit!!
Q:OWW!
GOD: I'll spank you again if you don't behave. Now, escuchame: badamp babadaba damp bum TEQUILA!
Q: Why was I ever born?

THE END

HAIR COLOR

Dear Santa,

Everyday I wish for new hair. I mean, brown hair is so last year.

PS This isn't a letter to Santa. It's a letter to Santa Ana, the ruler of South Montana and the University of Montana at Boulder, Colorado.

pick-up lines for modern times

1. I like your legs. Will you wrap them around me and have sex with me?

2. Q: Did it hurt?
A: Did what hurt?
Q: When you fell from heaven and onto your ripe butt-tocks? I BET IT DIDN'T because they are like mushy bed cushions!

3. Hey baby what's up--THE SKY!!! AW HAW!! gotcha. wanna do it?

4. Q: Did it hurt?
A: Did what hurt?
Q: When you got pregnant from my baby after we do it tonight!

5. If I were black, would you have sex with me? TRICK QUESTION: YOU ALREADY HAD SEX WITH ME.

6. Q: Are you an angel who fell from heaven?
A: What?
Q: Ah, fuck.

7. How much do you want to have sex with me on a scale of nine to ten?

8. Q. Do you have any kleenex?
A. Did what hurt?
Q. Bitch I didn't ask you that!
A. Ah, fuck.
Q. Wanna do it?
A. Yes.
(they do it)
Q. Aaaaaw *splooge* (pause) do you have any kleenex?
A. That hurt.
Q. Well you told me I could do it.
A. Not in my butthole!
Q. A deal's a deal. Do you have any kleenex?
A. I'm an angel from heaven?
Q. Yeah: whatever:
(enter GOD)
GOD: YOU BUTTRAPED MY ANGEL~
Q: Oh SHIT.
A: Assright muffucka
Q: I am so sorry!
GOD: Hey you.
Q: Yes God?
GOD: Ask me if it hurt when I fell from heaven?
Q. Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
GOD: NAW MUTHAFUCKA, I'M MUTHAFUCKIN GOD! That shit don't hurt.
Q. Oh.
A. Here's a kleenex.
Q. Where did you find it?
A. In your butthole.
Q. I'm confused.
GOD: Hey you.
Q: Yes?
GOD: Is that kleenex in your butthole or are you just happy to see me?
Q: Um...both?
GOD: Well pull it out, cause I'm going to rape you!
(pause)
Q. Wait a minute...
(pause)
Q. Wait a minute...God?
GOD: Yes my son?
Q: You rascal you...
GOD: Oh, I've been found out. *chuckles*
A: You are a master sir.
Q: You mean this whole thing was just your way of asking to have sex with me?
GOD: That's right, BITCH.
(rapes him)
Q: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

the end.

BUFFET

Ask yourself, what is the greatest culinary gift that France has given America? If you said Taco Bell, you’re wrong. Taco Bell is only the second greatest gift France has given America. Number one? Buffets.

If you’re hungry all the time, buffets can’t be beat. There’s nothing better than trays of food as far as the eye can see, except for not being legally blind. And the atmosphere is so laid back. It’s called “All You Can Eat”, but there’s really no pressure.

Buffets have amazing red meat, for starters. I never get good meat in regular restaurants: I’ll order my beef “well done” and they always bring me it completely brown when I really meant subjectively well done, which, in my opinion, is medium rare. My favorite buffet serves delicious filet mignon. They won’t tell me what the secret ingredient is, but I have a feeling it’s extra mignon. And don’t even get me started on how great buffet poultry is. No one gets excited about birds – it’s always “It's a bird, it's a plane, oh no, wait, wait, it's a bird.” But I love the mounds of chicken in buffets. I’m like a kid in a chicken store.

Buffets have every type of dessert that you could want. Often I’ll start off with 13 pastries (A Baker’s Dozen.) If they’re really delicious, I’ll go back and get 4 more pastries (A Baker’s 3.) Some nutritionists say that dessert buffets promote overeating and obesity. I’d like to respond that these nutritionists are egregiously uninformed and are irresponsibly and blatantly proliferating fabricated information, and also they go to Jupiter to get more stupider.

When I first moved to my town, I looked in every nook and cranny for a good buffet. Who knew that finding a local buffet would be so hard? I finally discovered an amazing one, though, just the other day; I must have missed a cranny.

$$$

I'm rooch.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I'm rooch.

bittersweet memories

when I wAS A lad I served a term
as an office boy in an attorney's sperm...


...


I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor
and I polished up the handle on the big cunt whore...




...

...


I polished up the handle so carefully
that now I am the ruler of the queens labee...ah.



blah blah blah blah I made such a mark
that they gave me the post of a junior fart...

...

...

...

for the pass examination of my rectum-toot...

Coffee #4

I like coffee.

Coffee #3

I like my coffee like I like my men: un-coffeelike.

Coffee #2

I like my coffee like I like my men: with big muscles.

Coffee

I like my coffee like I like my men: the liquid-form of coffee beans picked from south Columbia and served in a Starbucks mug.

The Story of PASSOVER

Passover is a holy Jewish holiday. It refers to the "overpass" that God slept under when He was a hobo for thirty days and forty nights. He then put, like, four plagues on the bullies. Here are some of the five plagues:

1. Being not cool (not getting asked to prom)
2. Getting Purple Nurples
3. Getting Green Nurples (this is worse)
4. Eating poop-cakes (this is more bad than the Purple Nurple but less bad than the Green Nurple)
5. Dying
6. Being in a play and forgetting all your lines

Some say the seven plagues were bad and then the bullies let the Jews out of the lockers. I say they're wrong: there were eight plagues.