I HATE MEDICINE

I don’t care what anyone else thinks: I hate medicine. It tastes bad, has terrible side effects, and is completely unnecessary. It doesn’t even work. My friend took Tylenol for two whole days and it still didn’t cure his Type II Diabetes.

Who needs medicine when you’ve got healthy foods? Take broccoli for instance. The upside is that broccoli has just as much illness-fighting power as a vaccine. The downside is that broccoli is a lot harder to fit into a syringe and inject into your arm.

Chocolate has also been proven to help fight disease. It seems counterintuitive, I know. I would call scientists crazy but I don’t know how I could say it so all of them would hear me. Now, scientists are even saying that vanilla is good for you. I remember this one time, someone asked me which I liked better, chocolate or vanilla. Man, that’s like making me choose between one child and my other, less delicious child.

There are certain vitamins, too, that work just as well as any medication. Vitamin C is so great that the “C” probably stands for “cure diseases.” Vitamin B12 also works well at fighting illness. Vitamin B is so great that “B12” probably stands for “beats 12 diseases.” Or “5-deoxyadenosylcobalamin.”

And what about placebos? The Sugar Pill works just as well as any newfangled medicine. I took placebos the last time I was sick, and I was completely cured of my sugar deficiency.