ACADEMY AWARDS
For a superstar Best Actress Oscar nominee like me, the Academy Awards begin with my complex, pre-Awards beauty routine. I brush my hair but not my teeth, since it’s overkill to brush two parts of your body.
Pulling up to the Red Carpet is an event in and of itself, and I only use the classiest transportation. I’ve got the works: a chauffeur, a stretch limo, all the extra tires needed to sustain the extended length of the limo. I’m so wealthy that I have a spare chauffeur in the trunk in case the first one breaks down. I may be a famous actress, but I’m still a good tipper, so when we arrive I give the chauffeur a few bucks. I also tip the spare chauffeur, by punching air holes in the trunk.
It might come as a surprise, but I detest walking the Red Carpet. It takes way longer than walking other, differently colored carpets. While on the Carpet I avoid the entertainment news shows, because I hate the way the TV camera adds fifteen pounds to me, and also to the person holding the camera. The TV camera weighs fifteen pounds.
The Awards themselves can be pretty boring at the beginning. They’re so outdated that the winners are announced by envelope. Doesn’t the Academy know that Snail Mail is really passé? To keep myself occupied during the boring parts, I daydream about sabotaging my fellow best actress nominees. You can’t win the Best Actress Oscar if you have broken kneecaps.
The best part of the night is when they announce me as Best Actress. First, I ask the person sitting next to me to save my seat. Then I go up to the stage and claim my award. I can’t believe this is happening, so I pinch the presenter. He isn’t dreaming – I really did win! I know I’ll remember this day for the rest of my life. I’m just so proud that I won the beautiful gold Oscar. I would hate it if I had only come in second and won a silver Oscar instead.
Pulling up to the Red Carpet is an event in and of itself, and I only use the classiest transportation. I’ve got the works: a chauffeur, a stretch limo, all the extra tires needed to sustain the extended length of the limo. I’m so wealthy that I have a spare chauffeur in the trunk in case the first one breaks down. I may be a famous actress, but I’m still a good tipper, so when we arrive I give the chauffeur a few bucks. I also tip the spare chauffeur, by punching air holes in the trunk.
It might come as a surprise, but I detest walking the Red Carpet. It takes way longer than walking other, differently colored carpets. While on the Carpet I avoid the entertainment news shows, because I hate the way the TV camera adds fifteen pounds to me, and also to the person holding the camera. The TV camera weighs fifteen pounds.
The Awards themselves can be pretty boring at the beginning. They’re so outdated that the winners are announced by envelope. Doesn’t the Academy know that Snail Mail is really passé? To keep myself occupied during the boring parts, I daydream about sabotaging my fellow best actress nominees. You can’t win the Best Actress Oscar if you have broken kneecaps.
The best part of the night is when they announce me as Best Actress. First, I ask the person sitting next to me to save my seat. Then I go up to the stage and claim my award. I can’t believe this is happening, so I pinch the presenter. He isn’t dreaming – I really did win! I know I’ll remember this day for the rest of my life. I’m just so proud that I won the beautiful gold Oscar. I would hate it if I had only come in second and won a silver Oscar instead.
posted by Megadeth at 4:01 PM
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