I HATE CARS

I have nothing but bad memories about cars. When I was a kid, my family would use our car to take road trips to stupid tourist traps like the “Vortex of Mystery” and the “Metropolitan Museum of Art”. During the ride I’d ask my parents, “Are we there yet?”, and they’d say, “No”, which was too much rejection to face at such an early age.

My experiences just got worse after I started driving myself, since I could never remember all the confusing rules of the road. Which side of the road are you supposed to drive on? Sometimes it’s the right side of the road, and sometimes it’s the other right side of the road. Make up your mind, DMV! And because I had to concentrate so hard while driving, I never got to do anything fun before getting behind the wheel, like drink or have Narcolepsy.

Due to my bad experiences, I now try to convince my friends not to buy cars. I especially hate sleazy used car salesmen. They do such disingenuous things, like greet you and try to sell you cars at reduced prices. They’re also liars. I bet they’ve been selling us new cars all along.

Luckily, there are plenty of alternatives to driving for my friends and me. Walking is a great option. After all, God wouldn’t have given us feet if we weren’t meant to walk places! He would have given us wheels, or motors, or hands! And the Surgeon General recommends walking 30 minutes a day, to stay in shape. I trust the Surgeon General, since he had to go to both medical school and war school.

For my friends who care about the environment, I cite the polluting aspects of cars. Take, for instance, Hummers, the biggest gas-guzzlers of all. Hummers emit as much greenhouse gas as a greenhouse itself. For my friends who don’t care about the environment, though, I’m not sure what I can do. They’re usually too busy watering their plants with gasoline and buying two Hummers at once to listen to my facts.