SELF-PROTECTION (Finished Version)

We’ve all heard of studio arts, but “martial arts”?! Hardly anyone has heard of those! Here are some tips to protect yourself in the inevitable case that you get attacked:

Tape all your paper money to your chest hair. That way, when thieves steal your money, you’ll let out a loud warning scream. It’s like when thieves try to steal your band-aids.

Kick your assailant in their most vulnerable areas. For male attackers, aim for the solarplexus; for female, aim for the feelings.

Spray your attacker with pepper spray, so that they will taste more spicy and delicious when you eat them later.

Remind yourself everyday that you are a special, beautiful person! You will recover better from a debilitating attack if you love yourself and are in a healthy, stable emotional state.

Kill your attacker.

Take the “Kick Me” sign off your back.

Make your fist into the shape of a bullet, and “shoot” your assailant with your “bullet-hand”.

Stun your aggressor with a stun gun, a passionate and unanticipated marriage proposal, or a Taser.

Cover your “Kick Me” tattoo carefully with makeup.