a short play with tall ambitions!

Theo = T
Lauren Gerson = L
Kristen Trad = K

T: My butt hurts.
L: Is it from all the fat?
T: No, it’s from the muscle.
K: Is it from all the stupid?
T: No! It’s from the muscle!!
L: Yeah, whatEVER! WHAT EVER!
K: Lauren, Lauren. I just want to say, I agree with you that its probably the poo poo in his butt that makes it hurt.
T: Poo Poo!? Why, I’ve never made poo poo in my life! I’m as clean as a baby’s arse.
L: A Baby’s arsE? It is a dirty thing, not a clean thing. A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
K: Aw, poo poo pee pee?
T: I’m gonna kick your butts and then your butts are gonna hurt.
L: From all the BAD kicking from your fat and stupid FOOT?
K: AHAHAHA! Good one, Gerson. That was great.
T: I’ll kick your butt ‘till the cows come home.
L: I’ve never heard such bullshit in my life.
K: What cows?
L: The fuckin motherfuckin cows, you dope.
K: Aaaah.

(pause)

T: I’m sad.
K: Is it from all the fat?
L: JUST LET IT GO KRISTEN! FUCKIN JEEEESUS, always prattling on about the fat.
T: Yeah what’s your problem, Chubby Hubby?
L: Yeah, chunky monkey.
K: Are you talking to me?
T: I don’t know, Fat person, probably I am.
K: Talkinna me?
L: See any other Chunky Monkeys round here?
K: Yeah, I see you, fatty Chubby.
L: What? Why I’ve never heard such bullshit in my life.
K: Well I guess that makes you the smart one, does it?
T: Oh blast it’s all going to crappy poopy crap now.
K: You will crumple like paper under the weight of my words!
L: Yeah, well at least the poo poo in my butt isn’t NOT SMART unlike the poo poo in some people’s butt...
T: You talkinna Me?
K: Don’t be DAFT.
T: Because my butt hurts.
L and K: Whiny whiny whiny ! Always with the whiny.
K: Why, I’ve never seen such a whiner in my life.
T: I am in Pain!
L:: Yes, Yes, in your Bum, I know.
T: No! Not only in my bum, but in my brain.
L: Yes, Yes, in your bum and your brain brain, I know
T: NO! Not only in my bum and brain, but in my heart.
K: Yeah, yeah, and in your heart I know.
L: OOO, SOMEbody’s sad about being chubby!
T: Chub chub chub chub chub chub chub, kristen. Chub, chub, kristen. GET OVER IT.

(FART SOUND)

T: Did somebody make poo poo?

(everybody looks to the sky)

(fart sound)

T: God?
L: God? Why I’ve never heard such bullshit.
K: yeah…
T: My butt hurts.
L: Don’t we all...

(pause)

T: Why are we here?
K: Where do we belong?
L: What is the meaning of life?
T: What is my brain?
L: Are babies real?
K: I’m a vegetarian.
T: Is there a god?
K: Are black people people too?
L: Are gay people people too?
T: Are asian people people too?
L: Are there pretty babies?
K: Is there a god?
T: My butt must hurt for a reason…
L and K: yaaaaah.
K: Mine too.
L: Mine too...

(pause)

T: Are we waiting for Godot?
L: Shut the fuck up.
K: yeaaaah.
T: Okay.

(pause)

(the end.)

A stand-up joke

Me: I was so deferential as a kid.
You: How deferential were you?
Me: My favorite cartoon was "Your Little Pony".

Thought Experiment Number One: How I Feel

feeling feeling feeling feeling wheeling wheeling feeling wheeling wheeling wheeling wheeling wheeling feeling feeling feeling wheeling feeling wheeling wheeling feeling

eely feely wheely feely wheely feely wheely feely wheely feely wheely feely wheely feely wheely feely wheely

feeling feeling feeling feeling feeling wheeling wheeling wheeling wheeling wheeling feeling

feely wheely feely feely wheely feely feely feely wheely wheely feely feely feely feely wheely wheely wheely feely wheely feely

wheeling feeling wheeling feeling feeling feeling feeling feeling feeling feeling feeling feeling feeling feeling.

what is said on the green, green grass

a blog is a blimp
a blimp is a pimp
a pimp is a wimp
a wimp is a simp
a simp is a sap
a sap is a trap
a trap is a tree
a tree is a knee
a knee is a knot
a knot is a cot
a cot is a cat
a cat is a hat
a hat is a heat
a heat is a heart
a heart is a fart
a fart is a fat
a fat is a frat
a frat is a froth
a froth is a moth
a moth is a mop
a mop is a fop
a fop is a top
a top is a tip
a tip is a sip
a sip is a sap
a sap is a slap
a slap is a slop
a slop is a slurp
a slurp is a burp
a burp is a belch
a belch is a welch
a welch is a wimp
a wimp is a blimp
a blimp is a blog.

A Funny Physical Gag

A man is walking.

See the banana peel.

See the man walk to the banana peel.

See him step on the banana peel.

With His Mouth...

See the man lying face down,

Chewing and chewing and chewing and chewing.

Puns That Work Very Well

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: To do some lickin'!

Question: What is a bug and also the internet?
Answer: The Inter-gnat!

Question: Why is it so expensive killing the jews?
Answer: Because the holo-"cost" is quite high! ($$$)

Question: What is apparent?
Answer: A sister is not a parent, but a mother is a parent!

Question: I have feelings!
Answer: Do you peel them, because they are peelings?

Question: How does Anne Pyne call other people on the telephone?
Answer: On the Anne Pussy-Dog!

Question: Where is my puppy dog?
Answer: He fell down the stairs.

Question: Ill begotten idjit?
Answer: FURDGE.

Question: It is my right.
Answer: WAAAL YOU CEN JUST SECK IT!

Question: Follow me to the woodlands
Answer: Like the pide Piper! SHIT!!

Question: I'm going to kill you.
Answer: First you should suck your own ASS

Question: Where's the bus?
Answer: It will be bus-arriving shortly.

Question: In time.
Answer: All will be well.

"My Sense of Tumor"

Ladies and Gentlemen. Dear Readers.

Just because tumor rhymes with humor, and you have a tumor, does not mean you have a sense of humor.

It means you have the lumps.

I, for example, don't have a very good sense of tumor.

But I have a great sense of humor.

Thank you for your kind understanding.

sincerely, Theo

a troubling post

Now, I know that many of you are wondering: Where has our good friend Andy Hunter gone? He has become more than just one of our blog's literally trillions of loyal fans - he's become more of a grandson or great-grandson to me. If any of you know where Andy may have gone, please comment and/or send me a big sack of money. Thank you for caring.

A French Fry Dipped in Mashed Potato

There are no words to right describe the taste
Of one small French fry dipped in mashed tubers
The skins of taters wrapped around the stalk
Of the pomme frite, erect with purest zest
No one beholds the flavor, just because
They think it strange to dip one food into
Itself, and yet, if only they had known
That Einstein, Newton, Moses oft enjoyed
That pleasure of a meta-potato
The aged Bible doth purport that the
Cause of Eve’s great sin was but a fruit;
Little do they circulate the fact
That Eve was actually tempted with
An apple dipp-ed in some applesauce
The closest we mere mortals come to God
Is one food deep within the throes of self
Someday the world will fully be at peace
The young in Mozambique will all hold hands
With all the lads and lassies of Japan
And all the starving kids in Africa
Will raise their fists in triumph and pure joy
Gripped within their fingers lies the key
French fry and mashed potato – food of ages!
Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice! Potato – YAY!

Thought Experiment Number Two: The Myster?

I shall begin a restaurant. I shall call it "the ipod restaurant" and it shall be in the shape of an ipod. and it shall play music.

beautiful, beautiful music.

Thought Experiment Number One: How Do You Feel?

Q. How do you feel?

A. Smooth as a baby's arse.

Q. How do you feel?

A. White, like a wall of fire.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Brown like a wall of geese.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Clean like a baby's bottom.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Respectable.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Tight-fitting and lean.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Geraniums and great belonging.

Q. How do you feel?

A. I feel the music.

Q. How do you feel?

A. I kneel.

Q. How do you feel?

A. All the way to the bank.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Alone and lonely.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Like music.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Like a fountain.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Like a mountain.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Like a skeleton.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Like a bone.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Like an arrow.

Q. How do you feel?

A. A socket.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Time is running out.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Like the wind.

Q. How do you feel?

A. Like the running, running water.

sports that should be in the winter olympics

1. Swimming...in the snow!!

2. Running...in the snow!!

3. Track & Field...in the snow!!

4. Wrestling...in the snow!!

5. Basketball...in the snow!!

Q. What is the Unctuous Id?

A. The Unctuous Id is this gay porn site in disguise

Ode to Julliard

Fuck.






Julliard.

This Year's Masonic Code Winners

Best Code: "TOP SECRET CODE" by Leonardo Da Vinci (Vinci Lodge No. 13)

Best Code in a Leading Role: Leonardo Da Vinci (Vinci Lodge No. 13), playing himelf in "TOP SECRET CODE"

Best Supporting Code: Benjamin Franklin (St. John's Lodge) playing Charles Lindbergh in "A Mason Most Free!"

Best Code in a Leading Role (female): David (Davie) Crockett (Alamo Lodge), playing Rudyard Kipling in "Charles Lindbergh: A Life"

Best Supporting Code (female): Barry Goldwater (Arizona Lodge no. 2), playing Douglas Fairbanks in "INDEED?: the Masonic Lodges of Beverly Hills"

Best Animated Code: "Me and my Frontier. And my Code" by William F. Cody (Buffalo Bill) (Platte Valley Lodge No. 15)

Best Code Direction: Leonardo Da Vinci (Vinci Lodge No. 13), for "TOP SECRET CODE"

Code-amatography: Lord Byron (Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of England), for "My Humps (My Code)"

Best Code-stume Design: Salvador Allende (Lodge Progresso No. 4) for "Masonic Costumes of South America."

Best Director of Code: Marquis De Lafayette (Honorary Membership in Multiple Lodges) for "The Frenchiest Mason"

Best Code-Related Documentary: "Jazz Of The Lodge People," directed by Edward Kennedy "Duke" Ellington (Irish Lodge No. 494)

Best Code-Related Documentary (Short): "Riding With The Masons: The Poetry of Charles Lindbergh" directed by Paul Revere (St. Andrews Lodge, Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of Massachusetts).

Best Editing of Code: Francois Marie Arouet Voltaire (Lodge Les Neuf Soeur), for "Don't Fuck Around In My Lodge"

Best Foreign Language Code: "Eugene Onegin" by Alexander Pushkin (Lodge Ovid)

Best Make-up in A Code: Sugar Ray Robinson (Joppa Lodge No. 55), American light heavyweight boxing champion of the world, for "Masons of the Bay Area."

Best Original Score for a Code: "Code-back Mountain" by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Suomi Lodge No. 1 )

Best Original Song In Code: "My Humps (My Code)" by William H. Taft (Kilwinning Lodge No. 356).

Best Short Code (Animated): "Wherefore Art Thou, Codeo?" directed by Booker T. Washington (Prince Hall Grand Lodge of Massachusetts)

Best Short Code (Live Action): "The Da Vinci Code: Not Really A Code At All?" directed by Booker T. Washington (Prince Hall Grand Lodge of Massachusetts)

Sound Editing for a Feature-Length Code: Sir Ernest H. Shackleton (Navy Lodge 2612), for "Masonic Guide to Whale Watching and Arctic Exploration"

Sound Mixing for a Feature-Length Code: Sir Walter Scott (Saint David Lodge No. 36), for "Sounds of Rock-Carving."

Code-Effects: Franz Anton Mesmer (French Lodge Les Philadelphes), for "You Know Nothing, You have Seen Nothing, Especially Nothing Related to my Codes."

Best Adapted Code: Dom Antonio Pedro de Alcantara Bourbon (Grand Master of the Grand Orient of Brazil), for "Tuesdays With Charles Lindbergh"

Best Original Code: Douglas Macarthur (Nile Shrine Lodge) for "Basalt: My Favorite Rock"


All in all, a big year for Booker T. Washington and Leonardo Da Vinci!

The Perils Of Youth

1. Motha' fucking.

2. Anal Pooping.

3. Motha' fucking.

how to audition for a college theater B.F.A. program

Step One: Eat your own brain!

Step Two: Where is my brain?

Step Three: I cannot find my brain!

Step Four: I cannot find solace in anything but my brain. I am sad.

Step Five: Eat your own brain!

Step Six: Oh no not that again!

Step Seven: I forgot, because where is my brain!

Step Eight: Audition for College Theater B.F.A. Program.

Step Nine: Oh there's my brain.

Step Ten: Is it too late to Audition for a College Theater Program?

Step Eleven: Yes, you've already auditioned for a college theater program.

Step Twelve: Ah, horse shit.

Step Thirteen: Don't you love life?

Step Fourteen: I love life.

Step Fifteen: Don't you have a brain?

Step Sixteen: Ah, horse shit.

Step Seventeen: I am a machine. A living, breathing machine.

Step Eighteen: I AM A RIGID AUTOMATON. WHERE IS MY MASTER?

Step Nineteen: The Master is your Brain.

Step Twenty: I have now accomplished step number 20.

Step Twenty One: I have an automobile which I drive, using my brain AND FOOT.

Step Twenty Two: Do you doubt it?

Step Twenty Three: Do you even doubt it?

Step Twenty Four: Audition for a College B.F.A. Program

Step Twenty Five: Connect to the internet!

Step Twenty Six: Oh gosh, MOTHERGODD!

Step Twenty Seven: What's up JOSH!

Step Twenty Eight: Death.

Step Twenty Nine: One hundred.

Step Twenty Thirty: Eat your brain.

alzheimer's: a short essay

Alzmeimer's is not a laughing matter. LOL. Just kidding, it is, that's why I'm posting it, because this is a HUMOR blog!!! Am I right or am I right?!

Also, I had a lot to write about Alzheimer's, but I forgot. That's what happens when you have Alzheimer's.

I often go up to my friends who have Alzheimer's and say to them, "Alzheimer's is SO great, let's have an Alzheimer's party!" and they say "We already did!". Thus, I had forgotten it.

So here it is, my short essay on Alzheimer's. I hope it wins Best Supporting Short Essay at the annual Alzie's!

The Id Recieves Rave Reviews!

"Id Capote!"
-Truman Copote

"I know why the caged id sings!"
-Maya Angelou

"These boys make me love being a slave!"
-Nigger Jim

"Ibe Sadddd"
-Durd...

"There are only three folds in the Eight-Fold Path. The first is: POOP!"
-The Buddha.

"Id or be Eaten!"
-The Native People

"Keiko is dead, and everything is lost. Except the Id..."
-Free Willy (Hobo)

"FUCK YOU."
-Eckhart Grint

"Law and Order, Special Victims ID-NIT!"
-Law and Order, Special Victims Unit.

"Heathcliff, Id's Me! Cathy! I've Come Home! Ids so Cold, let me id to your W-ID-ow oh oh oh!"
-Wuthering Heights

"I'll make a tile of it!"
-Tile Maker

"Love it! Love it, love it, love it! Two thumbs up!"
-Charles Manson

"Ibe find. Reurlly Ibe Find!"
-Durd.

"Do you have a doubt?"
-Anonymous.

"I'm on a covert mission! He He He He!"
-John Keyes

"MyID.com!"
-MySpace.com

"Hello My Name is Nikki Hilton."
-The Unctuous Id (a.k.a Paris Hilton).

"Love it! Love it, love it, love it! Two Thumbs Up!"
-Andy Hunter

"I cannot comment. There is a cock in my mouth."
-Barbara Bush.

"Id Be Da Bomb!"
-Cookin' Wid Minoridees!

"I'm a Faggot Motherfucker!"
-Oregon Thespians Committee

"GOD DAMN IT"
-Eckhart Grint

"Did someone say 'motherfucker'?"
-Sigmund Freud

"I give it three laughs! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
-The Laugh-O-Meter.

"With Great ID Comes Great Responsibil-ID-y"
-Spider...Man??!

"CHUNG CHUNG!"
-Law And Order, Special Victims Unit.

"Please speak only of math. And of the ID!"
-Cindy Beals

"The Ari-ID-stocrats!"
-The Aristo..CATS..(?!)

"I just Farted. How ID-Liscious!"
-The Dead Pope.

"Makes me want to be Jewish!"
-Hitler.

"That Hitler Joke Was Way Out of Line! Just the kind of Edgy humor I expect from the ID!"
-Joseph Stalin

"Wheresh My Hayurr?"
-Chairman Mao

"Meow"
-Chairman Meow

"I type quickly!"
-A Slow Typing Sloth.

"Reminds me of own Book, 'Island of the Blue Dolphins'"
-Scott O'Dell.

"Ibe a duuuuuuurd."
-Durd.

A letter to Santa

h.

boys are dumb

Girls go to college
To get more knowledge!!! (wink wink)
Boys go to Jupiter














BECAUSE THEY'RE DUMB!!!! ;)

girls are dumb

which is why they go to college.

































To get more knowledge.

Something Which I Do Not Understand

Great Bumper Stickers*

1. If you are driving this car, you are me!

2. Some people like candy. Other people like driving. I am the first one!

3. If you touch my car, you shall soon die.

4. Fuck people of color.

5. I was not always this happy!

6. Let's trim our Bush! HA HA HA! (political)

7. I am invisible to everyone but you.

8. At this moment, I am sucking my own cock!

9. I don't know where I am...

10. Imagine Whirled Pee!

11. I am Noah. This is my ark.

12. How's my driving? Call 1-800-DOT-COM!

13. This is not my car.

*Hello this is Theo, and, though I wrote it, I am not a particularly big fan of this post. Instead of deleting it, however, I would like to invite people to keep thinking of new and funnier bumper stickers and posting them as comments. Thank you.

St. Paul's First Letter To The Corinthians: Chapter 13

Hey there!! Oh my gosh, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I haven’t written in sooooo long, I am soooo sorry. I guess I have been super duper busy, but that is no excuse! Anyway, I am writing now so I guess that is all that matters, right? Why dwell!
Anywaaaaays…Haha. I don’t have much to say, I just thought I would write you to, you know, to say hello. How is everything? Did get into college? I hope you did! Oh that would be so awesome! I’m applying a few places but I don’t think I’ll get into any of them…THEIR LOSS! Haha. Where were you applying again? I forget. Purchase, right? I think I remember seeing a brochure about it somewhere…It sounded pretty awesome…Anyway, good luck with that!
Annnnnnnnd…Oh yeah! I just got a new puppy. He is the cutest little thing. We call him Friendly, because I think Lloyd saw it on a T.V. show or something. Friendly the dog. And guess what? He is friendly!!!! I love it when things work out like that, it’s so crazy! Oh and do you know what? I wonder if he is friendly because we named him friendly…That would be sooooo weird….Creeeeeeeeeeepy!!! Haha.
Anyway, I am in class right now. It is SO heeeelllla boring. Haha. PLEEEEASE BE OVER, you know?!! Anyways. I guess you have got to live with it I guess. It is just one of those things…Why dwell!
Well, I do not have anything more to talk about, so I am gonna stop now, haha! Oh and also, the teacher is totally suspecting something, so I had better stop. Ummmmm, fuck you too, bitch! LoL!
So… I miss you a lot!
Have fun in Prague!
Sincerely, St. Paul.

P.S. Send me those photos from your beach trip!!

a good insult!

If someone is writing a book, tell them, "I bet your book will sell like hotcakes. Not the proverbial ones but real ones, which aren't very popular when you think about it."