SELF-PROTECTION

We’ve all heard of studio arts, but “martial arts”?! Hardly anyone has heard of those! Here are some tips to protect yourself in the inevitable case that you get attacked:

Tape all your paper money to your chest hair. That way, when thieves steal your money, you’ll let out a loud warning scream. It’s like when thieves try to steal your band-aids and they can’t because your scream is too loud.

Kick your assailant. For male attackers, aim for the solaplexus; for female, aim for the feelings.

Kill your attacker.

Spray your attacker with pepper spray, so that they will taste more spicy and delicious when you kill them and eat them later.

Never leave your house again, since no criminal can hurt you in your own house. It’s the first rule in the criminal’s unwritten code of ethics that they orally pass down through the crime-generations.

Remind yourself everyday that you are a special, beautiful person! You will recover better from a debilitating attack if you love yourself and are in a healthy, stable emotional state.

Make your fist into the shape of a bullet, and “shoot” your assailant with you “bullet-hand”.

Don’t talk to anyone on the street with green eyes, the eyes of the devil.

Only go to parties if people are enjoying safe activities, like listening to music or taking self-defense classes.

Adopt your attacker. They can’t kill you, then, because they’d be breaking the fifth Commandment, “Honor thy father and mother.”

Use your head to avoid situations that may be dangerous in the first place, and to solve math problems, like 4 times 5.