selected index: fatwas issued by No Girls Allowd Treehouse Club against ex-club-members.
October 17th 1998
it is decreed that GUS McDANIEL shall be put to death for undue threat to the brotherhood incurred in the act of communication with a member of the opposite sex in the process of which he is thought to have revealed the location of my delicious peanut butter cookies, which he was then seen sharing with said female. We witness herein the baleful consequences of intersexual fraternization, and the attendant weakening of our foodstocks, the resilience of which will prove necessary in the event of extended warfare. McDANIEL is hereby declared an enemy of the public good. Let him not show his face in the sun's light for fear of retaliation. Additionally, let the remaining foodstocks be relocated, preferably under cover of darkness thereby reducing the likelihood of chance sighting.
October 25th 1998
it is decreed that PETEY FRENCH shall be publicly shamed and hung in effigy for passing a note to LILY WHITEHEAD in 4th period French which may or may not have contained minutes from last week's meeting regarding the fãtwa against GUS McDANIEL. Infidel FRENCH has also been rumored to engage in protracted internet message communications with floozy WHITEHEAD--as well as GRACIE PATTERSON, WHITEHEAD's scuttling accomplice--on a nightly basis. PETEY FRENCH shall suffer exile from N.G.A.T.C and pine in vile solitude for the gentle company of those he once considered his colleagues. Additionally, if FRENCH is sighted within 50 metres of the Treehouse, you are authorized to kill him dead.
November 1st 1998
danger: headquarters has been breached and its secret location exposed. The party responsible for the breach is still unknown, but we denounce on counts of High Suspicion both DAVEY SWANSON and BEN KILMEAD neither of whom returned or reported back from their Halloween mission and who are sadly suspected of defecting in order to join HEATHER OMALLY and a group of allies who, intelligence indicates, had gathered together on this night for a "sleepover." SWANSON and KILMEAD are to be shot on sight. Additionaly, JASON CRIMP needs to clean the egg and tissue off the side of the Treehouse.
November 7th 1998
DANGER: beware, the ongoing campaign of the enemy, aided of late by the Halloween breach, has already begun to eat away at the foundations of the N.G.A.T.C. Let now it be decreed in this dangerous time that all who succumb to temptation and deign in their arrogance to attend the Homecoming Formal in the company of women shall be posthaste excommunicated from the Club with orders to be shot on sight. Take pride, be strong, or you shall pay in blood.
November 8th 1998
It is hereby decreed that all listed members of the N.G.A.T.C., with the sole exception of JASON CRIMP, be excommunicated and shot dead, preferably in their fancy clothes out to dinner with their "dates". They are enemies of the cause and shall be made to suffer for their pleasures, like a bunch of filthy shits. Only through the elimination of the weaker elements will the N.G.A.T.C. be made strong and allowed to survive. Also, would JASON CRIMP be kind enough to fetch me my peanut butter cookies.
November 16th 1998
JASON CRIMP is hereby declared an INFIDEL and TRAITOR and I PRAY that he may suffer UNIMAGINABLE PAIN for the UNTHINKABLE TREASON of UTILIZING THE TREEHOUSE FOR THE PURPOSES OF A ROMANTIC RENDEVOUZ WITH SALLY DAVIES. O, that I could be the one to put that bullet in your fat fucking head you impious little turncoat. As God is my witness... Further meetings of the N.G.A.T.C. are declared postponed until further notice.
November 27th 1998
The No Girls Allowd Treehouse club is herein declared "officially disbanded." It's only me anyhow, and besides, I've got a terrible crush on Lucy Richards.
it is decreed that GUS McDANIEL shall be put to death for undue threat to the brotherhood incurred in the act of communication with a member of the opposite sex in the process of which he is thought to have revealed the location of my delicious peanut butter cookies, which he was then seen sharing with said female. We witness herein the baleful consequences of intersexual fraternization, and the attendant weakening of our foodstocks, the resilience of which will prove necessary in the event of extended warfare. McDANIEL is hereby declared an enemy of the public good. Let him not show his face in the sun's light for fear of retaliation. Additionally, let the remaining foodstocks be relocated, preferably under cover of darkness thereby reducing the likelihood of chance sighting.
October 25th 1998
it is decreed that PETEY FRENCH shall be publicly shamed and hung in effigy for passing a note to LILY WHITEHEAD in 4th period French which may or may not have contained minutes from last week's meeting regarding the fãtwa against GUS McDANIEL. Infidel FRENCH has also been rumored to engage in protracted internet message communications with floozy WHITEHEAD--as well as GRACIE PATTERSON, WHITEHEAD's scuttling accomplice--on a nightly basis. PETEY FRENCH shall suffer exile from N.G.A.T.C and pine in vile solitude for the gentle company of those he once considered his colleagues. Additionally, if FRENCH is sighted within 50 metres of the Treehouse, you are authorized to kill him dead.
November 1st 1998
danger: headquarters has been breached and its secret location exposed. The party responsible for the breach is still unknown, but we denounce on counts of High Suspicion both DAVEY SWANSON and BEN KILMEAD neither of whom returned or reported back from their Halloween mission and who are sadly suspected of defecting in order to join HEATHER OMALLY and a group of allies who, intelligence indicates, had gathered together on this night for a "sleepover." SWANSON and KILMEAD are to be shot on sight. Additionaly, JASON CRIMP needs to clean the egg and tissue off the side of the Treehouse.
November 7th 1998
DANGER: beware, the ongoing campaign of the enemy, aided of late by the Halloween breach, has already begun to eat away at the foundations of the N.G.A.T.C. Let now it be decreed in this dangerous time that all who succumb to temptation and deign in their arrogance to attend the Homecoming Formal in the company of women shall be posthaste excommunicated from the Club with orders to be shot on sight. Take pride, be strong, or you shall pay in blood.
November 8th 1998
It is hereby decreed that all listed members of the N.G.A.T.C., with the sole exception of JASON CRIMP, be excommunicated and shot dead, preferably in their fancy clothes out to dinner with their "dates". They are enemies of the cause and shall be made to suffer for their pleasures, like a bunch of filthy shits. Only through the elimination of the weaker elements will the N.G.A.T.C. be made strong and allowed to survive. Also, would JASON CRIMP be kind enough to fetch me my peanut butter cookies.
November 16th 1998
JASON CRIMP is hereby declared an INFIDEL and TRAITOR and I PRAY that he may suffer UNIMAGINABLE PAIN for the UNTHINKABLE TREASON of UTILIZING THE TREEHOUSE FOR THE PURPOSES OF A ROMANTIC RENDEVOUZ WITH SALLY DAVIES. O, that I could be the one to put that bullet in your fat fucking head you impious little turncoat. As God is my witness... Further meetings of the N.G.A.T.C. are declared postponed until further notice.
November 27th 1998
The No Girls Allowd Treehouse club is herein declared "officially disbanded." It's only me anyhow, and besides, I've got a terrible crush on Lucy Richards.
posted by theo at 10:40 PM
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