Nightmare

WEATHERMAN: Today’s weather is looking extremely nasty. To begin with, we’re experiencing major snow falls, on the level of flash blizzards. Yikes, it looks like the rain is acting up, too! The rain and the snow are apparently combining to create some sort of super precipitation, which we have designated here on the map with a small picture of an atomic bomb. This super-snow has the high velocity of regular rain and the destructive power of icy cold snow. The eeriest aspect of the weather today, however, is the heat. The temperature is quickly exceeding 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Oh, and here’s the capper: it looks as though – by what we in the weather business can only attribute to an Act of God – a permanent night has fallen over the entire tri-county area. I’m telling you, it’s 11 am right now and pitch black outside. There aren’t even any stars. It’s the most deeply frightening thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I don’t even know what to say. If you have any sense at all, you will stay inside today and welcome the certain apocalypse surrounded by loved ones.

POSTMAN: Craaaaaaap.